Question 1: How do I prepare to leave the narcissist?
I have just started the attempts to get my life on track again after a year and a half of living with my seemingly narcissistic boyfriend and his definitely narcissistic mother. I feel like his mother brings out the worst in him, which further aggravated things in our relationship. And I’ve been trying not to break up with him because most days I truly believe is not him that’s the problem. The real root problem is his mother. Well I just got a job and I’m looking to move out in 4 months at least and I’m wondering what I should expect. Really I’ll only be moving around the corner, but it’ll be my space again. I tried to make this an &;quot;us&;quot; decision but my boyfriend is seemingly non committal about moving in with me later or us moving together because he’s got his room and his office at the house with his mom. I fear that he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. Have the option of living with me, but the supposed comfort of his own room/office/space at home. But it’s that space at home with his mother that brings out the worst in him. So I guess my question is, how do I emotionally prepare myself to leave him (but not break up yet) in order to get away from his mother? I always say that if we broke up because of the tensions in place by his mother and I leave, he’ll still have his mother at the end of the day. And that’s not awesome. Is there a possibility that the spell of his dependent narcissistic mother will be broken if I’m gone? And he’ll go back to normal if we’re living together away from his mother? Because she’s really bringing out the worst in us and it is not attractive.
A: There is no way to know for sure how he will react to you moving out, but based on his noncommittal responses, I would say nothing is going to change. He will most likely stay at his mother’s house. And he will blame you for everything that went wrong and for “abandoning” him. Your intense dislike of his mother is putting him in the middle- not a good place to be. It is no wonder he is full of conflict and noncommittal responses- it is a no-win situation for him. His mother may be despicable and “bring out the worst in him”– but where is HIS responsibility for HIS actions? He sounds like an immature “mama’s boy” and that is not likely to change anytime soon. To help you stay yet prepare to leave read,” Living with a Narcissist if You Can’t Leave“, “How to Leave a Narcissist” and “How to end a Narcissistic Relationship“.
Question 2: The Healing process
My relationship ended two times in the last 42 years. I finally moved out of state to live with my son. To this day he still calls after a time of silence and has yet to apologize and has never admitted to anything. I have been told recently what else can you make up with your vivid imagination . The bed was never moved in the room. I’m crazy, it moved when he changed the sheets. Even though it’s an old Mediterranean style that weighs a ton Channing sheets when we were together the bed never moved. I have witness’s that saw him in the bar with her. He admitted he gave her a ride home but doesn’t give a s**t about her. He is so out of it with his gas lighting that he thinks I can’t figure it out. I just want to know if I will get it through my head he is a Narcissist and I am sane. It’s been 42 years and I finally searched for books on surviving. However, I have to get them out and read them over and over, so am I ok? Or does he have me trapped. I have to continually go back and validate to myself I’m not cray, is this normal in the healing process.
A: Yes, it is normal, especially as you have been gaslighted and manipulated for 42 years. You will have good days and bad days but you WILL get your “self” back and become more confident about your sanity and emotionally strong as time goes on. Don’t wait for an apology- it will not be forthcoming. If he is still engaging in “crazy-making” with you, why are you still talking to him? The sane thing to do now is to go No Contact. Please read the article on going No Contact. At first you will think of a dozen reasons why you HAVE to call him- they are all excuses. You won’t be able to fully heal until you get him OUT of your life.
Question 3: Is Narcissism culture dependent?
I think I know the answer to this-are men from other cultures like Asia and/ or India more narcissistic than some American males?
A: A classic narcissist- as in full blown NPD- knows no geographical boundaries. It is true that in some cultures mild narcissistic behaviors or narcissistic tendencies are encouraged but that does not mean those men are all narcissists–they will just have a few specific behaviors at a milder degree than a true narcissist. Those men still have empathy and don’t engage in gaslighting. Cultures that place an emphasis on the individualare more likely to see manifestations of narcissism than cultures that emphasize the ‘greater good’.