Questions about Narcissism Part 2

Question 1: How can she be healthy again?

In early May I began to date a wonderful girl. We spent a lot of time together and began to fall in love. She had been at least 3 months out of an 3 year abusive relationship with narcissist. She told her friends it is so great to finally be appreciated and treated well by a man. Then the old boyfriend began contacting her and she slowly put her feelings aside for me and gradually moved back to him. I have been demoted to friend who she has feelings for and does not want to loose. I want to help her break out of this vicious cycle with him. She is being victimized by him and is showing symptoms of NVS. I am not sure if we will be together again but what is more important to me is to help her so she can be healthy again. Where do I start?

A: You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. When SHE is ready to leave him she will need your support. You can’t help her or force her to break out of the cycle. She has to do that herself. It might very well not be until her life has been totally devastated by the narcissist. Having someone who cares about her needs (narcissists don’t) and her health will be a constant reminder of what she is not getting from him. Hopefully, she will realize that she is a victim and will choose to leave him. Be there to support her when that happens–don’t try to re-establish your romance right away- she will need time to recover and distance herself from him. Right now all you can do is wait and keep reminding her she is a good, worthy person.

Question 2: Should I “throw away” the Narc?

I’m not sure whether my ex was a narc or not. All the red flags were there in the beginning. He called me a goddess never felt so connected when making love etc, very loving and giving throughout our four year relationship, talked marriage after four months. But I wouldn’t sell my house and move my kids to live with his – they didnt meet till we were 16 months into relationship and at first they disliked me and didn’t get on with my kids. I didn’t want to risk my independence – throughout I held back as I felt he wanted everything in his terms though he said I wouldn’t compromise. He’d take me shopping but didn’t like giving me money for groceries and wanted to pick what we should buy – got very jealous when I spoke to other men, but showed this in subtle ways. If I raised issues they were rarely discussed and if I pushed he’d go silent treatment – I blew up three times in four years and we split and got back. In the end it got less and less and then he met an old friend and now he’s telling her all the things he told me in the beginning. Not much empathy when I lost my job. He hugged me and patted me like you would a child, but never really felt supported or he got it – I’m Blaming myself for pushing him away – make friends say I shouldn’t. He finished it in a phone call after four years saying I don’t want a long conversation I just wanted a quick call. Strung me along when I contacted him and took me out whilst his new woman was playing hard to get/not interested. He finally hooked her in but still lied to me last time I saw him saying she’s just a friend. I’ve cut contact now but it’s doo hard to come to terms. I feel I’ve thrown away a loving man who’d have cared for me but a part of me feels that man wasn’t real – am I right ? Is he a narc – I sometimes think I’m the narc.

A: He certainly has a lot of the red flags for narcissism; and if he is indeed a narcissist then your instincts led you in the right direction such as keeping your independence. Consider yourself lucky- you didn’t lose a loving man, you got away from a life of hell. If he is a narcissist then he was never a loving man, just an actor putting on a show to win you over. Getting over a narcissist can be a long, difficult process. They put their hooks in deep with their charm and pseudo-love; it would be hard to give it up, perhaps even foolish, if it were real. Based on what you describe, you are much better off without him whether or not he is or is not a narcissist. Give yourself time and distance and you will get over the loss. Please stop doubting yourself- you made a healthy choice for yourself and your children.

Question 3: Is the Narc out there to get me?

A sibling who’s a Covert Narcissist, has under the guise of “sibling rivalry” had a track record of sabotaging my life from childhood right through to me forming a family. Always when they had cause to be jealous. Often when I was at a low ebb, always with significant damage to my life. Telling lies about me to my place of work or where I live. This has lead to me losing two jobs also losing out on accommodation. In one instance I took my employer to court, just to force disclosure on who had told the lies. I have gone No Contact with that sibling and even live in a different country. But clearly the worry is still there. Although I’ve not identified any such behavior for some years now, as it is always covert behavior there is always the worry they are behind unexplained bad luck. What do I do ?

A: If you are still in No Contact, have lived in a different country for years with your sibling not knowing your whereabouts, and you are STILL worried that the narcissist is out to get you, I would say it is time to see a therapist. It certainly is understandable that you have long term symptoms after being victimized so severely. In fact, I do wonder if you have NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome). Read up on it and ask any therapist you are going to see if they are familiar with it. You aren’t able to live peacefully and don’t seem to have let go of the past. Please seek professional help; it sounds as if you may have symptoms of NVS (also known as Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome).

Question 4: Not sure if he is a Narcissist

I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist. I have known this person for over 20 years but about six months ago he contacted me to come visit him. I had not seen him in over 20 years but had been friends on fb for years with little to no contact. This person was one that I idolized as a kid (he’s 10 years older than I). I agreed to come meet him for a drink. It escalated quickly through daily messaging and soon I had booked a hotel room in the town he lives in (he was married at the time but separated prior to our meeting). prior to my meeting up with him the messages were constant. I met up with him, we had sex and that was the only time I have physically seen him but the messaging and texting continued. I engaged in very sexually charged texting with him, even sent pictures which I have never done. He would threaten to pull away if I didn’t. Then it started to go bad, he blatantly would tell me about other girls, call me crazy if I questioned his motives. I fully admit I went a little nutty for a while because I was so confused by his behavior. I have attempted no contact but I either feel weak and message him it he will text me and the cycle continues, nice one day then calling me something horrible the next. I have recently found out that his marriage seemed to be wonderful and lasted for years. I’m just wondering if narcissists are able to have seemingly loving relationships with some while being overtly controlling and cruel to others (me being the other)?

A: The key word in your question is “seemingly”…yes, they can have seemingly loving relationships (its all about public appearance) if their significant other caters to them, gives them unending Supply, and doesn’t require real emotion in return or expect her priorities to be considered. Some spouses/partners put up with it for years before they figure it out. I can’t say if your “friend” is a narcissist or not, but your relationship with him is unhealthy and sounds toxic. Find your inner strength (you CAN do it!) and go No Contact. You deserve better than that- don’t waste your time and self esteem on him.

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About Alexander Burgemeester

13 Responses to “Questions about Narcissism Part 2”

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  1. kat says:

    Oh wow great advice!on number 3it’s so hard!I’ve been no contact for four years and my mother used my brother to try and get my addresses.I quit talking to him and she used my social sec number to gain access to my gas company account! I am a domestic violence survivor,it is about the time I call anniversary day of my beating,I have severe PTSD! My nod mother made contact with my ex who tried to kill me,and I just got a letter from him,to my direct address,talk about a trigger!I feel terrorized and that I have no way to free myself from this woman,other than when she dies!I’ll prob go first,I am not well- It’s very hard to deal with any narcissists!Being born to one is like handing a baby to a demon!

  2. JPJ says:

    Narcissm Part 2: This is a grand slam article for sure. Thanks for the great answers. I am going to look up NVS today for sure.
    My parents both suffer from NPD. My dad allowed my Mom to be on Lithium
    for 12 years without any therapy!! But as Alexander says, you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.
    The list goes on about what they have done to me.
    Thanks to web sites like this one, I know about NPD and can move on with my life…NO CONTACT!!!

  3. Susan says:

    Question 1: Having been married to a narcissist for thirteen years (together for 23), dating another for two, and experiencing my ex-husband’s narcissistic fiancee try to alienate me from my daughter, I’m going to say I’m no expert, but have some experience– If you want to be with this gal, that is fantastic.

    But,
    1. she won’t get help getting away from her narcissist until she’s ready (and musters a lot of strength); and
    2. any attempt you make to be closer to her will be absolutely sabotaged by the narcissist.

    If you love her, be her friend. Don’t leave her side because she’s going to need a lot of love and support. But don’t try to get closer until the narcissist is long gone. He will only play the “jealous” card and tell her what a fool she is for wanting any other man on the planet. In other words, she might be hurt in the process if you try too hard. My two cents.

    aside: the wonderful man I am dating now waited me out, and I’m certain he’s the last man I’ll ever date. And he is most definitely NOT a narcissist. Be THAT guy. 🙂

  4. Kristin says:

    Hi….in response to question # 4…YES I was married to a Narc for 20 years and did not know it. I was groomed to be a people pleaser because I had a N for a mother and was abused. I sought out the same kind of person who also treated me badly and married him. It was great at first but always knew something wasn’t right. Narcs will stop having sex because they can’t be vulnerable with you. So instead they cheat on you.
    I have 2 psychiatrists and a therapist trying to help me recover from this Con man of a husband. He cheated, physically emotionally financially abused me. His mother and Dad were also Narc so I didn’t have a fighting chance. If not for my kids I’d take my life but I can’t leave them with these monsters. Saddens me the most that I’ve never been loved. Ever….

    • Mary says:

      Kristin,
      I can so relate to what you have gone through. In the process of divorce, married to a Narcissist. He left me for his son’s mother (they never married). He showed no empathy what so ever. I too felt that something was just not right from the beginning but I ignored all the signs which I totally regret now. It still hurts!!

  5. Jane says:

    Hi, I fell for a NPD guy in office n have a cocktail of emotions..just want to share the most recent n worst one..even though he kept treating me like s**t..i planned a great birthday for him (days before his actual bday coz that day he was going with his family) i bought him an expensive shirt, cake, many other gifts..everythng to make him feel special..coz i had loved him truly..we had a great time..some sweet moments..pictures..nice food, nice walk..it was a fairytale evening..

    next day we met in office…he behaved as if nothng had happned last evening..then i feel sick n dint go to work for 3 days..he dint even bother to ask how i was..wen i went back to office…i was stunned by his behavior..silent treatment..no talks nothing…there were other colleagues who came to me asking how i was..but this guy dint…he dint ask for coffee, lunch..it hurt me so much…i kept wondering wat wrong have i done..wat has upset him..i dint even meet him for 3 days still wat went wrong..i shud be angry with him but he was so cold towards me..i asked him if anythng worng..he said no..nothing…

    can a normal human like this to someone who made ur bday so special..showered u with gifts..suddenly u treat d same person as s**t? flirt with other gals n completely ignore me…how inhuman, how insenstive..

    may god give d NPDS some feelings, emotions, empathy..n save us victims from this torture…

    my mistake was dat i loved him deeply, truly, purely n this is what i got in return

  6. Jane says:

    enough is enough….i promise myself dat i wont get sucked back to his charm, his talks, his sexy image…no no no…i need to hv my own life…i let go..m moving on..

  7. Charity says:

    MY NPD experience was with a successful man who used his job as an excuse to limit time spent, intimacy and emotions. I now see that his career and his job is where he drew his “narcissistic supply” from. Everything between us would be fine – as long as I didn’t express any concerns or emotional needs and wants. Once I did that, it would always end up in an argument where he would make everything about him and the stress he was dealing with at work. He would essentially get angry with me for asking for what I wanted or needed. During our 5 year relationship, I never met his family and only met one friend. He never bought me a Christmas or birthday gift but I would watch him go to great lengths to shop for and purchase gifts for his secretary, family and even the guys where he took his car to get washed. He refused to celebrate Valentine Day and the one year he obliged me, he complained and was cranky the entire night. The final straw came this year when he applied for a job across the country without consulting me. I was blind-sided and devastated that he would consider such a huge decision without including me or discussing it with me. When I asked for space to think about our relationship, he turned the tables on me and accused me of abandoning him. No matter how much I tried to explain my perspective, he held on to his stance that I was “leaving” him and that since I took it upon myself to make this decision to “abandon” him, he had the right to do the same to me at any given time. Being that I was so distraught, my entire demeanor changed. I was sullen, withdrawn and sad. He would get angry with me and kept telling me that I was acting as if the move was happening although he had not received a definite job offer. Well, the offer eventually did come and he accepted it…again, no discussion, no consulting me; again, I got chastised for being emotional and unsupportive when I wasn’t jumping for joy at the news; and sadly, again, I turned my back on myself to play the role of the dutiful girlfriend. I decided that I would stick it out with him through the move since he said he would only spend two years at the job and move back home. I took an optimistic approach and figured we would skype and Facetime every night. that we would visit each other as often as possible and that we would text and call as we had always done. See, I saw our issues and challenges as obstacles that were part of a relationship and that if we could overcome them, it would make us that much stronger. But that only applies to a healthy relationship with two willing partners. Things went downhill when he moved. He promised to fly me out for a visit but coincidentally lost his wallet the week the trip was supposed to take place (why he hadn’t booked in when we initially discussed it 2 months earlier is a mystery to me). When I tried to get answers for what went wrong, he lashed out at me again. That was the beginning of the end. I began to distance myself – only taking calls and responding to texts sporadically. Of course, he pursued me more. He even brought up scheduling the trip again but I had lost all interest. The final straw came when he was in town for the holiday. I had not seen him for 2 months and although I was on the fence, I invited him to a BBQ at my house. He confirmed that he would be attending but never showed up. Not only did he not show up, he never called to give me any updates, he never called to say that he wouldn’t be able to make it, he actually did not call until the event was over. But I already knew his MO – he never intended on coming. He never once apologized during that call, he carried on the convo as if nothing had happened but I could tell from the tone in his voice that he knew what he had done. I could hear in the tone of his voice that he was waiting for me to get upset or call him out like I always did. But I didn’t. I was calm and short with my responses. He asked me to call him…I never did. But guess what, he never called me either. That was the last time we spoke to each other. I’d say I had a moment of clarity. I knew in that moment that we were done. I knew that the reason he hadn’t called me is because in his typical narcissistic pattern, he had somehow found a way to trump up something to blame me for that would take the focus off of the fact that despite not seeing me for nearly 3 months, something else took priority and kept him from coming to my event. I even understood that he wouldn’t be able to spend all of his time with me since he would need to visit his family but he made no additional plans to see me even after not being able to make my event. I’ve had difficult moments but the clarity in those events has allowed my logic to take the lead. There is no way I would have survived being married to him. I think these chain of events is divine intervention at it’s best…I am fortunate that I was able to walk away mostly intact but it will take some time for me to open up again.

    • Bonnie says:

      ou are so right about “Chain of events”, as well as “Divine intervention”. As awful as that whole experience was, at least it was mercifully short , compared to dfcades and a lifetime of abuse. Godspeed. You are on the absolute right track. … Chalk it up to a learning experience. And life will get you to where you should be. Blessings and love. and peace be with you. ! You dodged a big bullet. ! Keep going, and put up with nothing less than respect. !

  8. claudia mueller says:

    after 4 years in a relationship I am separated from My Ex Narc…since July 2015 …keep NC ..since September..I dont miss him …anymore …moved on…but have huge trust issue ..I dont seem to overcome ….I want to trust again…a life without trust is not what I want ….how can I learn to trust again …any thought’s /advice ?

  9. Dawn Ulmer says:

    I was married to a narcissist-sociopath for 35 years, being the dutiful wife and audience. When I called him on his lack of common kindness to his two grown children, crossing the line to abuse, he left the home and the marriage. I have had MUCH to learn and process these past 13 years – I was devastated that the man I loved and who I thought loved me did NOT. His family was his ‘front’. We were his sources. No more. Never again. No contact. When I did contact him after the first 5 years, it was more of the same – pouring on the charm, the words of love, trying to ‘win my hand’. Did he ever intend to live under the same roof again? No, he said. Then I KNEW and now no contact with this kind of toxic behavior in anyone is NOT acceptable to me. Sadly, my daughter has followed in his footsteps. Both are gone now. I grieved for 12 years and decided NO MORE – I need to take my life back. And I am! God has been so merciful through these hard, hard lessons.

  10. teresa says:

    I have/was in a relationship for 4 years off and on. I met this man on a dating website. Very charming and spoke fondly of his son….he was his world. After 4 months in to the relationship he said he had issue with me working out at a gym. I told him it was for my health as I had heart issue. He insisted that I quit and workout at home. I did. Then as time went by if he became upset with me he would end all contact and get back on dating websites. Few weeks later he would contact me and things would be wonderful until he told me he had issues with where I worked. I work with a lot of men. I told him i could not change my job because i had worked for this company for 16 yrs. He had issues with my family not coming to see me but me going to them. He hated my hometown because he thought i was going back to see old boyfriends or exhusband. He was not there for my fathers funeral and in fact accused me of hanging around with family longer than necessary. He accussed me of being interested in his best friend and looking at other men when we would go out. He did not like my best friend and wanted me to stop talking to her. He kept telling me i could see my family and kids but I could not stay all night. One day he would tell me I’m his soulmate and the next go silent because of something i said or did. He had issues with me going out of an evening after i would get home from work. If i needed gas i should do before i go to work or after I get off. He always asked me what I thought about and I would answer and then he would make a change. I even wrote this heartfelt letter to the bank to save his home from foreclosure. The bank accepted lowered payments and he is still in the house. In the 4 yrs we have dated he has never came to my home as he used his son as an excuse. His sone will be 18 in 5 months. He controls his son like a puppet and his son has rebelled now. I never heard about narcissistic person until a friend said that is what he is. He keeps coming back or contacting me after several months. I have phone calls at work that are hangups when I answer.

    I am not a doctor but can I assume this man has narcissistic traits? Should I run and have no contact. I care a lot about him but I know I can’t fix him.

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