How to “Beat” a Narcissist?

Are there effective strategies for beating a narcissist at his (or her) games? Yes! You need to be able to distance emotionally (don’t let your emotions get to you), anticipate his next move and then strike back. You can do this by using the narcissist’s own narcissism against them to achieve your own goals.

To get what you want from them:

There are many ways to use a narcissist’s traits/behaviors to achieve your own goals if you are creative and don’t mind manipulating them back. To name a few:

1. Play to his ego— Get him to want to play act being a loving husband or father or etc. by laying the compliments on thick (without any sarcasm in your voice).

2. Play to his sense of entitlement and feeling that he is “special”– Don’t demand or ask if you want a better school for your children or a new set of luggage. Instead, casually ‘happen to mention’ things like, “Wow. It looks like the most intelligent people are sending their children to such and such school” or “Gee, the best looking travelers all have [name brand] luggage”.

3. Play to his jealousy (be careful using this one- don’t use this to make him jealous, but to have others jealous of him)–“Boy, would everyone be jealous if we had [name brand] luggage”. Or the car you want or the shirt and tie you want him to wear.

4. Admiration and praise will get you everywhere. They are like a drug to him- he craves it. ALWAYS apply flattery before you suggest something you’d like him to do for you.

5. Convince him that giving you what you want reflects well on him. Narcissists are infamous for their concern with outward appearances. For example, telling him that having a certain car (that you want) in the driveway makes him look really successful to the neighbors or etc.

To put them down/seek retribution:

If you know a narcissist well enough, you will know his weakest spot. It is some aspect of himself that he hides from the world. It could be something about his looks, some trophy he has never managed to win, a fear of being average or not intelligent enough, etc. Publicly expose his weak spot. For example, if you calmly state that his proudest achievement or characteristic is really common/ordinary, it will cause a narcissistic injury and threat to his grandiose self perception. Lowering his status in the eyes of people he is trying to impress is one of the greatest acts of revenge you can exact on a narcissist.

But be forewarned: it could be dangerous to distress them like that. Narcissists can have an astonishing degree of rage and it is often not under their control. They may turn their narcissistic rage against you. You should always be careful when exposing or confronting them in any way. They could retort with verbal, emotional or even physical abuse.

What if it is your boss?

You can’t beat a narcissistic boss if you want to continue working for him. However, you can learn to be a better player in his games:

  • Be clear about what the rules are.
  • Define your limits and boundaries
  • Never assume anything
  • Put everything in writing and get everything from the boss in writing
  • If you want to initiate something new, make them think it’s their idea
  • Offer sincere flattery- frequently
  • If you don’t agree with something and want it changed, you need to show them that it will have negative consequences for them — not that it is something wrong or unethical — but that it will actually be bad for them
  • Never give criticism, even if it is constructive (see below under Never Criticize a Narcissist). For example, if a narcissistic boss has what you perceive as a really lame suggestion, don’t tell him you think it’s a dumb idea or correct him with a better idea. Sometimes if you repeat the idea back to him-using a neutral tone with no sarcasm- he will tell you it’s a bad idea. “Oh, okay (agree with him first).You want me to take the blueprint down the street to The Copy Store and wait for a copy to be made.” (You are the General Manager and have several other meetings you need to go to and there are several assistants in the office).

How to cope with a narcissist:

If you have to work with a narcissist or are in a relationship where you cannot, or choose not, to break free, then understanding and accepting the following will be essential to your survival:

Narcissists promise the world but give you only a plot of dirt.  Despite their extravagant promises, it is crucial to have low expectations for what they will actually deliver or you will end up perpetually disappointed. Narcissists give just the minimum necessary to sustain your association with them. The promises and even low level delivery will end abruptly as soon as you no longer serve a purpose for them. Keep in mind that anything they DO deliver you will pay dearly for—in some shape or form.

Narcissists Don’t Like You, Care About You, or Are Your Friend. When a narcissist wants to be friends with you- watch out- he is really engaged in obtaining Narcissistic Supply or you have something he values and he wants to have it remain available to him. He is simply waiting to use you. Never delude yourself into believing the narcissist enjoys your company. He wants you to feel “special” so that he can use you at his discretion.

Never Criticize A Narcissist. Never, ever criticize a narcissist that you intend to keep around. If you must give constructive criticism, present it as mild praise. When you criticize a narcissist –despite it being the truth or constructive— you inflict a narcissistic injury and could easily become the object of his narcissistic rage.

Never Ignore A Narcissist. If you are involved with a narcissist, either at home or at work, you will be expected to respond immediately to his or her demands or you will incur their wrath (think Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada). Learn to work around the narcissist’s demands without stirring his anger. Give vague responses such as, “Sounds good to me” which sound as if you are going to act immediately but don’t put you in the spot of committing to immediacy.

Don’t Defend a Put-Down
When someone puts you down or makes a condescending comment, the normal response is to defend yourself or strike back. That response just fuels the fire for a narcissist. They have become masters at making others look inferior so that they can feel superior. If you can’t ignore the comment, put the focus back on them by labeling what they are doing.  For example in that situation you could respond with, “That sounded like a put-down” and then wait for them to respond back. The key here is they don’t want to” look bad” so this will create an uncomfortable situation they will try to squirm out of. You may have to repeat your response, but they will eventually change their comment to something more socially acceptable. To continue that example, they might reply, “I wasn’t putting you down… I was just making a suggestion”. At that point you politely thank them for the suggestion.

In general, don’t react to what the person is saying, but comment on how they are saying it and how they are coming across.

References

http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevenberglas/2012/05/21/5-ways-to-thwart-a-narcissists-most-pernicious-propensity-setting-you-up-then-shooting-you-down/2/

http://www.ivanhoe.com/channels/p_channelstory.cfm?storyid=15472

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About Alexander Burgemeester

44 Responses to “How to “Beat” a Narcissist?”

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  1. Morbid Jealousy Help says:

    I am currently in a very abusive relationship. My husband which I have self diagnosed him through internet research, is a classic morbid jealousy/delusional jealousy with other schizophrenic and obsessive tendencies. I am at the point where I am literally fearful of my life to leave him, and I don’t want my leaving to affect the children as they are very attached to him. He is a wonderful father, but horrible husband. My children are small and will eventually be able to realize that daddy is being mean to mommy. I don’t want this. And I want to be able to live my life in peace. I’m tired of being interrogated everyday, I’m tired of being estranged from my family and friends, not being able to watch movies or TV because I’m watching because I want to look at other men, I’m tired of keeping useless receipts so I can prove where I have been, and I am tired of laying awake at night wondering what he might do to me if I fall asleep before him.

    Lately I have tried to convince him that he has a mental illness, but the only response I get is, “if you have time to be looking stuff up on the internet, then you should have left the office and came home, what else are you looking up? this is cheating talk”

    When he was in his last episode I tried to be very loving and nurturing to him, even though I wanted to really choke him, and then he gets suspicious and to why am I so lovey-dovey, who have I been around today.

    So then I try the when you act this way I ignore you routine. This was a big failure, only escalating is violent rage.

    I feel I have tried all venues, and at a lost as to what I should do.

    Please advise.

    • sal says:

      Save money. Document. Everything. And send it to safe people. Notes from work such as daily diary whatever,…. Have secret safety plans. Inform your family, his family, and your friends of what’s happening. And let your coworkers know you are to be expected at work. Use safety code words when calling in. You are and your children are in danger. You need to leave. Not just leave but prepare for being potentially stalked after you do. This guy will not stop once you leave. I wish you the best. Please. Be safe.

      • mitzi says:

        ABSOLUTELY, and gain all the strength and support you can master around you, people that are not intimated by him, others that actually believe his lies and manipulation, they might even turn against you out of support for this poor Narc. YOU ARE IN DANGER, and there are kids involved, luckily there arent in my situation. The violent rage will only escalate over time, what is first a full beating up will become broken noses, bones, legs, body….and he will stalk you, I live in a compound and during the times his rages are completely out of control, I leave and stay a few days with friends, staying is unbearable and unsafe……being loving and nurturing doesn’t get you anywhere, the love we all feel for those loved ones around us is met with aggression, manipulation, intimidation etc, I always found that the more I was loving the more respect – if any – he’d loose for me, it would be a sign of weakness….BE STRONG AND SAFE!!!

    • A says:

      Put your children first. Simple.

    • Lisa says:

      please find a way to get support where you can set a date and take the kids and RUN to mexico if you have to and use cash, Men like that are very dangerous and will be what your daughters look for in a man if they are raised with him and it will start on them later., Please there is no help for people like that except God but i fear for your safety . Sometimes a man is cheating and will do this because he is not being faithful. But low self esteem can cause havoc on many people to where they think something is happening and its not. I was with an abusive man that was cheating and accusing me of cheating and beat me throughout my whole pregnancy. I don’t want anything to happen to you please take your children and go have some one fly you to a family member he does not know or just go somewhere far. That the whole family including him needs to get help together before you can come back. Will he let you see a therapist or something? So you have some sort of support? After you leave tell the police what has happened. But don’t tell alot of your family so he wont go to them and if you leave make sure no one knows but someone you trust your location. you can homeschool your children. Just please get you and your children somewhere safe. And prepare your family to get restrictions so he is not allowed for their homes before you do. He Will stalk you most likely. I wish there was not people like that or people like that had to get help. Praying for you.

    • Lisa says:

      I have known this one person 12 yrs about a girl in a womans body. She was a “friend” I tried to stay away from because if i got acall it was becasue she wanted something I stopped talking to her several times, but something dramatic always had to happen and she would call me and want me to help her. I have always helped people so felt like I should help. And everytime it was flattery then she would lie or do something I didn’t approve of and I told her and I was treated like her worst enemy. Even if it was something real bad. Ihad not talked to her in almost two years when the phone rang and She asked me to help her and her mom becuase they were kicked out and her husband because of his hoarding. Her 80 yr old mother I was really concerned about. And she did not want to call me because I know she doesn’t like me but no one would help her because of a habit she took up ”’ I avoided her like the pllague usually but felt i had to do something for her moms sake and I did care about them I couldn’t let them be on the street. Well she is liek literally living in the 80’s and expects the world to hand her things And expected her same bad habits to e allowed in my house , I started laying down the rules and I was attacked by her. And the reason I didn ‘t do anything was because of her mom, but i wanted to press charges. She actually said that was wrong but didn’t apologize to me she was bragging about it in front m=of me to people saying she beat me up. Lol. Pulling someones hair isnt beating someone up but you dont do that to someone especially in their home. . I just made it my goal to help get them her mom mostly in to a place quickly. My tv died and I live a set life. It was not my priority to get a tv. Well she got very upset at me because i didnt have a tv and hadnt had time to give her the wifi code. And she had a fit again, And called someone she met on fb and told her I was this horrible person that she was in jail becuase she couldnt watch tv and sleep in th front roon ( tiny front room all day) and she got such an attitude and the person came to pick herand her mom up which i was delighted with. And she boasts that they have their own rooms bed sand tvs. Well then they saw how she was and from wha she told the me the lady became satan. She said I was hitler because I wouldnt let her sleep all day in my front room and she would use my bedroom because she wanted to get all the attention in the front room and be all the attention and drama. and whining , and faking and throwing fits. I was glad she was gone but was worried about her mom who just does what her daughter wants right or wrong., They had all pitched in a house in the next state over. but they were left behind because ” jill ” I wil call her ( the daughter of the elderly lady) had really waorn out her welcome and did her usual bad behavior And then I get a call please come pick us up she ist threatening us with a gun and coming with it if we are not gone. I rush to go picki them up and get them into a motel room this time. well i cannot afford alot on fixed income so put up a go fund me account to raise up money for the motel room until they could get their next checks becuase they gave the woman 1250 to cover their rent toward the house in the other state. And we had some replies and were able to raise 270 minus the fees of gfm and wepay, so I gave them 240 that they were raised. And at this time they had been approvd for an apt. and of course it was 25 miles away one way , and about 35 miles from her storage until one way. I had picked up all their stuff and put it in storage. And it had to be in my name because she lost her lic. A church Thank God paid for three days and a couple of poeple paid on a day of their motel room . But NO one could help move them I was the only one. So since the motel was paid And I am happy , because I would have had to pay for the gas to get their stuff moved from the town next to us to two three towns over in their new apt! So they got the money My mom fronted it to them because it too 3-7 days to show in my account that we had to use because they did not have one. I am not sure why.. So I take them everywhere they need to go and move 3/4 of the storage unit a lot my self. and made several trips with all the storage and she put gas in my blazer for that and i use =d some tot eat fast food and some to get thing sfor their apt. Well I took her about 50 miles away to another town m=because I put an ad for them that they needed a car and this guy says they can help her get one at a dealership. so I take them out there One way 50 miles. ( one way) to go see about a car. And dhe needed a co -signer. ( now you see where this is headed?) So I told her after she called a bunch of people who wouldn’t co sign thatI would check it out ( she though i meant go to the dealership and check it.out) meaning online. And When i found out that it would prevent me from doing anything like getting a house which i am trying to do, or a car, then i said i am sorry I cannot. And IT WAS like the DEVIL possesed her. I have been treated so badly. And I told her I was not coming up to do anything until she apologized well she became more evil And ACCUSED ME OF NOT GIVING HER THE MONEY FROM THE GO FUND ME ACCOUNT and Posted it and said I did not give them the money WHICh in the comments below actually she says thank you for getting the money for me. SHE IS EVIL I was looking up narcissist and found her And they say they are the most vindictive poeple AND SHE IS. I am going to sue for defamation of character if I have to. I am so angry . And I just wanted to make sure her mom was okay and safe and had what they needed. then I went up the other day to bring groceries and give her money which she claims I owed her which I didnt but 40 .00 to make peace okay I took it up there and anyting of hers that was left that i could find. And I took it all up there.And she says she was in the hospital because I didn t go get her pills down here in my town instead of her transferring them and says without saying that i shoudl have drove 25 miles to tak eher to the hospital when she said she had a mini stroke . SHE CLAIMED SHE HAD CAnCER SO SHE WOULD HAVE TO HELP PACK OR MOVE HER STUFF. THEN SOMEONE CALLED HER ON IT> AND SHE SAID SHE HAD CYSTS AND THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO DO A BIOPSY. MY MOM HAS CYSTS AND WORKS JUST FINE MOVING BOXES. When I ( who have had back surgeryand have horrible sciatic pain that keep s me up at night= ) Asked her to help move she is liek How dare you ask someone who as cancer to help. Now she is using the ministroke she supposedly had . She texted me and said if you dont bring my medication up and I have to go to the er then I will tell them its your fault. I said go to the urgent care if your that sick you call 911. But she uses manipulation and lies to make people do what she wants. and i have people threatning me becuase she has lied to them about me ( I was falling to sleep at the wheel because of exhaustion from moving them but she didn’t care and didn’t want her friend to go with me to keep me awake. And I was so tired I was not driving up there iuntil I was able to recover) I am so angry I cannot function! I cannot get this out of my head. I came to this site to see what I could do maybe. OR IDEAS. I am disabled. I love people and love to help people but after this I am so wounded by my own fault.That I am praying for help to be able to trust anyone again. I know thought that no all people are like that and many people suffer because people liek her have wounded them so much and they cannot love or trust anymore. I am not going to let this stop me from loving others and helping if I can. But I will be happiest person if I never have to see her again. this is one person I actually wish I never had met. And dont want to see again. Sadly her mom will not leave her, and is suffering because of her daughters bad decisions. I feel for her but have done all that I humanly can. I cannot take it anymore. She has asked for a necklace that i am sure she took out of my purse. she went to jail for 8 hrs and threw them at me and I didnt want to hold them but did and is claiming she didnt get into my wallet , because that wouldn’t look good. But she is also accusing me of stealing her necklace which I dont want and her tongue ring which really?? I dont want.I told her I will glady send them to you when I find them IF i do . I did find the tongue ring but no necklace. its apagan symbol I dont want it. Anyway i am trying to find this necklace I am sure she took out of my purse that day she left. i have not seen it except in my wallet with her storage keys. And they were gone out of my wallet the day she left. I know she took it. But the lies that are so grandiose I am furious about and actually wanted to get opinions. I want to sue her for defamation of character. But she is on disability. so pointless. So how would you approach this if you are being falsely accused by a cold hearted narcissist???

    • Lisa says:

      Please make plans with a therapist or someone you trust to set a time and get your kids and get out before he kills you because of his delisions!! Go to mexico, some where far is possible not in the same state. Somewhere you may have family. If he is willing to go to counseling with you. If you say can we go to see someone together and you can tell them why you think I am always doing something with a guy. you can tell them what I do wrong. And we can get help and you will see that there is nothing going on i married you because I love you. If you think its safe enough to do that try it. if not then please get out. Many men that are jealous are often messing around and strangly get jealous because of their actions as with my daughters bio dad. Or they have severe self esteem issues. Just encourage him as being handsome and what fils your desires that you dont need anyone else. If you dont think he will harm you them see if you can encourage him and remind yourself why you fell in love with him and what attracts you to him now and tell him to write a list about you . And encourage each other. I would tell him that thinking of yo being with a man hurts you because you love him and what can you do to make him feel loved by you? where he is not worried. Ask what can you do ? Get safe if your not obviously. Praying for you

    • Helen b. says:

      Just leave. You will be better off. The kids will be better off. Right now they are learning this behaviour. They are little sponges. Your husband learned this behaviour. Either by a parent or some child good trauma like adoption for example. Just leave go to a shelter they will help and btw don’t forget any important paperwork prepare and. Split . the only way.
      He was groomed this way . They can’t say truth. The truth is lie turned around.
      Like you are adorable. No he actually hates you and your strength. Let it go move on take what’s yours you win by default.

  2. aimee kat says:

    Geat post! I do have legal evidence to use against my NMother. Evidence that she abused children and allowed others to abuse her children…except not her perfect golden child- she abuses her in their own special way.My mother hits all points on the npd scale and she rages underneath her cool exterior. I am considering exposing my mother to the small community we are from. I have a file and I know the DA will pick up felony child abuse charges on her.I have only held off until I could move away to a safe pace because I know ripping off her nmask will make her rage. I just feel like I have put up with enough abuse from her. I feel someeone should stop her from abusing children! The truth is on my side…but I know the stakes messing around with someone who thinks they are a God. I have noticed dropping the hints about it has already made her go into ignore mode. I know there is a great chance she will commit perjury on the stand…as she never tells the truth. Thankfully I have outside agencies backing me. NMothers are horrible because while your simply loving them-they are messing up their childrens heads,hearts,and minds.No one is above the law…even if they think they are! Thanks for this website!

    • ACON says:

      I have been in the narcissistic assassin witness protection program for over 3 years now. My family who live in the same town, have over the course of our lives woven an incredible Web of enmeshment that sadly has embraced some of my siblings children. I have worked tirelessly since I was 3 years of age, to protect my younger siblings from our mother and her violent temper and her incredibly devicive and destructive behaviour. Even after disassociating from my family for 12 years, they managed to infiltrate and within 3 months the dysfunctional behaviour was full blown and utterly humiliating for me. My attempts to disassociate only caused the rest of them to move to Queensland and within 2 years my marriage was on thin ice, my husband had been manipulated into taking a position as my critic and eventually he was so unhappy with our apparent entrapment he committed suicide. My family had been working on him clandestinely and furthermore it became evident that they hoped to profit from his death by ensuring I was destroyed and dependent upon them and by trying to force me to hand over our estate which came to me. I was punished for refusing to do this. They insinuated their way into our workplaces by befriending our bosses. Then the undermining began – if I objected or set boundaries, I would be embarassed at work or at church or socially. I took my son and moved to a new town. My mother, her siblings and my siblings followed. I kept my distance yet my mother insinuated herself into my sons school by working there. She assumed a position of authority over him as I worked at a hospital many miles away. Over time it became evident that she was bad mouthing me as an incompetent mother and she was the hero because she could support him faster than I could. If I had to go away for work, I was branded neglectful or she would scream abuse at me in front of my son to denegrate me as irresponsible if I was late in returning from work. I have always felt like I have had to justify working or studying or being sick with cancer because I was always targeted as at fault and irresponsible. My mother imposed herself as “his mother” and deluded herself by calling him her son and stepping in front of me to take authority over him even if I am in the room. I have explained the facts to my son but he has learned much from my mother and her minions. I have reached a stage where I have to shut him out because we cannot share anything as he tells her everything and retribution and punishment follow swiftly. I moved again and they are relentlessly dedicated to tracking down my new friends, Infiltrating my church, and harassing/punishing members of the family who are NORMAL and who extend me any kindness or support. I am mostly happy and feel stronger in my new life/town but it still takes me awhile to recover from the whammies when they come especially when my son has been part of the process.

      • Helena Psotova says:

        I am so sorry for your perpetual struggle. My ex-mother in law sounds very similar to your mother and her ‘minions’ remind me of the ex-inlaws. I have only just left my relationship. My ex-partner who used to warn me about his mother’s techniques and I have seen his pain, witnessed the violent abuse so damaging to his soul. Sadly, ‘blood is thicker than water’ and the effects of his upbringing resulted in an unhealthy narcistic behaviour in him. I am still realising and waking up to what happened over last six years. He is no transgenger and models himself on his mother and sister (the belowed minion), hoping that mother will love him. I am out of the relationship and my son and I are safely far enough. I am still involved in business with my ex, so I am learning how to “play it safe” without further damage to my life.

        I can’t imagine what strength, pain and suffering you must have endured. Stay strong, don’t give in and don’t let your son to be around these people, we learn our behaviour from family. I know it is easier said than done but it will be worth it. The world (I ended up in Queensland too) is full of good and kind people. Look out for those and get your strenght to leave the evil behind.

  3. Altair says:

    May god bless the work you have shown and worked for, so the people that fall under this catagory will be exposed and that justice will finally be shown to those in these sitituations with people like these narcissit.

  4. GOTTHETSHIRT says:

    Narcisists are a breed of their own, the irony being they think they are unique but there is a large band of them living secret destructive lives. The key is to break the secrecy.Their lies and shenanigans, the gas lighting and other methods of compartmentalizing their activities is all done so no one person knows the full picture.
    Break the secrecy, talk to our friends ( if the narc hasnt already isolated you from them ), realise that the rollercoater they keep you on is NOT NORMAL. You are feeding them and filling THEIR void.
    If you have children, you MUST put them first.Children of narcissists can grow into deeply damaged dysfunctional adults who cannot trust, cannot relate and can often end up in similar relationships. BREAK THE CYCLE, GET AWAY FROM THE NARC, TAKE YOUR CHILDREN!!
    Narcissism is the most insidious of personality diosorders as it takes along time to realise, if you are lucky enough to realise, that your partner is a narcissist. Its like putting a jigsaw together and when the realisation comes, its like a thunderbolt. It takes time to get away, time to rebuild but when you are physically then emotionally distanced from the narcisist, you will feel stronger, and at peace.
    The key things are TALK TO OTHERS, KEEP EVIDENCE: TEXT/DOCUMENTS/DIARIES that reflect his or her behaviours.SEEK ADVICE: from childrens agencies, refuge/ support groups, friends and family.
    AND REMEMBER: It is not your fault, they will behave like this with every partner they have, it is only a matter of time before their personality and behaviour reverts to their type, i.e that of a narcissist, everyone there to serve their needs.
    On a personal note: I was emotionally, sexually and financially abused and exploited by a narcissist. I have just taken my narcissist to court and won.The exposure is their nightmare and i dreaded gointgto court, but i am so glad i did.

    • razzleBdazzleMe says:

      GOTTHESHIRT,

      You are absolutely right. I finally jumped off of the emotional rollercoaster that was my narcissist and looking back, I realized that they are REALLY good at getting into your head and assuming whatever role you want them to play. This guy was a chef by trade, but seriously should be an actor…His performances were flawless. They draw you in, make you comfy and very slowly begin to flip the script so that their behaviors are undetectable.

      Towards the end of our relationship as the pieces began to fall together and I started the exit plan, his act got really sloppy-which was great because I got to see him fall apart. The rage thing was shocking because he was always even-tempered with me.

      Exposing the secrets, mirroring his behavior was like watching a shock therapy reality show because he had to constantly scramble to get a new game plan while trying to keep his composure, because in his world, he was perfect. I never knew how disrespectful he is to others, especially women.

      But it’s cool-I’m free, totally at peace. He attempts to contact me, but I never respond. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    • NS says:

      How were you able to prove to court That he is narc. I am having similar situation but he is the one who collected evidence and showing me as the crazy one. Obviously he isolated me and has money to hire big lawyers while I couldnt.

      • Helena Psotova says:

        I was just going to ask the same question Gotthetshirt.
        I am still in business with my ex, who is very manipulative and everyone still believes him over me. There is no way that other company members will listen to my explanations about his narcisisti personality.

    • Frankie lindsay says:

      I have narcasstic x and he is using my 12 and half year old and doesn’t want to have her and he abusive to her and got custody and alienates me from her he wants me to pay child support and not see or talk to her what is it that I do because I can’t do that

  5. nitro says:

    I never imagined I would ever find myself locked in w/someone afflicted mentally w/any type of disorder ever. But, looking back on past family relationships and lovers I realize that its more likely than not that I have been involved w/ppl depicting some of the behaviors mentioned above. Fast forward to present times and I’m totally convinced that my boss is a narcissit. Not just a narcissist, but a covert one. Its likely that my current love interest is on too, but in a more mild form if there’s any such thing. She’s variable and does try to accommodate me at times if I start to feel her bite too much. She is a Leo Sun w/a Leo moon and pure Leo. So some of that is likely to just be her nature. The boss though, she’s an angry and mean Scorpio. Seems to me that most Scorpios (male or female) seem to have that spoiled, selfish, false sense of seniority – its sickening. She’s the one I visit this website about. All the stuff mentioned above to beat her at her own game, did become a part of my daily run through w/her. I realized I had to lay on the compliments and flirts but shut down when she flipped the script. One minute she’d be adoring me and as soon as certain ppl come around she wants to impress or she see’s me talking to someone, she seems to get angry and begin to try and embarrass me or put me down. The mistake I make is getting angry and telling her she’s wrong for yelling & cursing at me. That’s when she goes into that speech about how she’s the boss and I’m GONNA LISTEN TO HER! After that I find myself sent home early from work and losing hours. Hey, I can be real and say she’s sexy, sassy, funny (at times) and has a nice round rump and tight thighs that make me drewl. She and I have flirted a lot in the past and apart from her flip flops, I really do like her actually. I don’t like power and control and never really cared much that I was involved w/ppl who did. I could let her have all the control she wants BUT, she has to realize that I will shaft her a!s back if she strikes the wrong nerve. I’m very patient and loyal, but there is a line and my vicious temper when its crossed. Recently we had a big argument. She assaulted me at work, the cops got called, the head office was there… it was crazy. I’m not gonna quit the job, but worry how I can sort of repair the r’ship w/her. I mean, I know the type of person she is and many people have tucked and ran. I though, have been working for her a year and learned a lot about her triggers through some of the conflicts we’ve had. I like my boss and she’s a narc. Lol! Now I just have to get us back to our flirty fun r’ship. How do I do that?

  6. orchid says:

    I tried these tips this weekend and they worked amazingly well. This has made a big difference to my life, and I thank you. I am no longer a helpless victim of narcissists. I can actually steer the conversation, and see the difference it makes. I am still learning and experimenting of course, and these are people I have low contact with usually, but they are relatives and I really do need to see them. This short column topic is one of the most useful pieces I have ever read on the internet. Keep it up. Five stars to you. And please, more like it!

  7. Rachel Cosgrove says:

    I’m a survivor of loving madly a narcissistic man, a person I loved more than anything else on earth. I survived this many years ago by moving several states away, educating myself in depth on this type of person and time.
    Imagine my shock yesterday when I realized my husband, who is the exact behavioral opposite of my Narcissistic, of eight years has turned out to ALSO be a narcissist. How is this possible? Lol. Beware of the seemingly sensitive highly emotional ‘Maladaptive Covert Narcissist.’ Horrifically destructive, but you never see that it’s them destroying you. It’s the LAST thing you would ever think. Heads up everyone! Much love. ….♡

  8. Danica Gale says:

    Great article! I’m still working on this. I get frustrated. I don’t feel narcissists are worth all this effort. I’m trying for our daughter’s sake but it’s hard!

  9. Peter says:

    I work with a vicious narcissist. She initially gained my trust when she started started talking to me. I am a very shy person and she exploited my weaknesses. I’ve known her for two years now and it been such a roller coaster. I used to think it was always my fault, that I had done something wrong for her to do the things she did. It was always about her, even when she was acting like she was showing compassion towards others including me, it was to make HER look good. If ever I tried to RETURN the favor of compassion I was DENIED, leaving me to question was I wrong to return a favor? AM I THAT dumb when it comes to relationships? It was always about seducing me—not sexually, but simply by breaking promises, however small. Indeed I was infatuated for the longest time and how foolish and naive I was. I took the bait over and over. Finally though, I started to wake up when “comparing notes” with others and things weren’t adding up. It’s almost as if she lived many different lives that she kept secret from the only one I knew. And the life she had with me was kept secret from the other lives, and so on. It’s extremely difficult to explain the type of things these people do, these malignant narcissists. Third parties can’t comprehend the victim’s point-of-views because they can’t grasp the whole picture without experiencing EVERYTHING themselves. All the hurtful lies and dishonesty, however subtle; all the emotional manipulations, the attempts to get inside my head and control me—perhaps the most hurtful of it all. The AUDACITY of this girl to think she was ENTITLED to control my emotions! As I got to know her more and more her true self became more apparent. Now I can see right through her. Every single interaction is a competition of status. It is SO draining working with her. Even if I give in and act submissive her persona becomes elitist and condescending, but ever so subtlety, the little b***!! I hope others can understand my pain but it need be experienced first hand to really know. I know that a few people at work are waking up to her ways but I feel they don’t understand near as much as I do.

    • gotthetshirt says:

      Oh dear Peter…..she really has mind f****d you. What you need to remember now is that you, yes YOU, now know her and her games. I would gib=ve advice, and i hope you take it in the spirit offered, which is that now you know what she is, feel pity for her but do not do anything covert, keep all your responses as benign and overt as possible, preferably in front of witnesses. You sound deeply affected, and i wonder if this is because she made you feel as if something might happen between you, she made you feel the most superb employee ever???? What about other males/ females in the office……she has probably done the same. This is the covert aspect of narcissism….discreetly talk to others at work and you will find out that you are not the only one. If there was no relationship between you……be thankful, be glad…….only one further bit of advice…….run like your hair is on fire,lol. Dont try to outwit or pay back, these things ( i refer to narcisists as the way they see us ) can be the most vengeful of all if they feel got at. Best ploy is realise you have been had, been used, feel angry, talk to friends and family or forums, let it go and be dispassionaate and see her for what she really is…….someone who is always destined to be alone as they will never trust anyone or anything and only use people. Talk to others at work and look for another job if thats possible. Good luck

  10. kelly says:

    I left my narcissistic ex moved on and he ended up knocking me down and leaving the car on my back he intimidated me and withnesses until i dropped the charges! So be very careful x

  11. bob says:

    how about you just shoot him in the back of the f*****g head…done

  12. Phoenix says:

    I’ve found the best way to improve your life, whilst injuring the narcissist, is to simply walk away.

    The female narcissist I dealt with had all the classic approaches:
    – She was infallible, thus could never be blamed – all blame was attributed to others, myself or inanimate objects (“Stupid washing machine didn’t turn on!!”)
    – She was patronising because I was ultimately stupid relative to her
    – She was obsessed with her looks and body
    – She was condescending, targeting both my physical and mental weaknesses
    – She was forever the victim
    – She would use sex as a reward, or lack of sex as a punishment
    – She would use the ‘silent treatment’ to make the situation unbearable, knowing that it made me feel worthless
    – She would go into extreme rages when proven wrong during an argument; at one point she threatened me with a weapon
    – She would lay on the charm when she wanted something
    – She would maintain relationships with her ex partners (perhaps even sexual, I’m not sure) and claim it was me who was being abnormal for commenting on how this was a bit strange
    – She was all laughs and smiles in public, then haughty and miserable in private
    – She was constantly maintaining a spotless environment, nagging over the slightest mess (leaving a dirty glass out before washing it, not putting the keys in their correct place, dripping water on the floor in the bathroom, etc)
    – She was opinionated on everything, and this opinion was indeed factual (most of it wasn’t – she had superficial understanding of most topics; perhaps because she ‘already knew’ the topic anyway, thus research was not needed)
    – She was a compulsive liar
    – She tried to destroy my identity by claiming I would reduce everything to be about myself, thus making me weary of referencing myself in any discussion (how can you ever give your opinion or express yourself if you can never make reference to yourself?)
    – …so much more

    Fortunately, I was able to spend time away from her during work. It was during these periods where I would be able to separate myself from the situation and try to look at things objectively.

    I began to research narcissism; the trigger was her mentioning (almost boasting) to being narcissistic, due to a diagnosis from a psychologist. Sure enough, everything I read held true for her. She was delusional when it came to her opinions surrounding herself.

    Unfortunately, at the time of discovering this we were expecting a child. I was devastated because I knew the only way to return to normality was to exclude her from my life, yet this would now be impossible due to the impending birth of our child.

    In the end, I began to separate myself emotionally from her. Strangely, it was pretty easy to do so because I knew, in my heart, the following:
    – She was not going to change
    – The abuse she had put me through was genuine and it wasn’t in my head
    – All the good times we had were based on her narcissistic needs, thus she was ultimately manipulating me. I realised there was no such thing as unconditional love because she would only offer an illusion of love on the condition of getting something in return.

    I learnt the varying ways a narcissist would manipulate their victim. This gave me freedom because I could remove myself from the situation and objectively associate all her actions to the manipulative methods she was employing. At the same time, understanding that what she was doing was impersonal to me (she would be doing this to any other person, thus I was neither special nor tainted) allowed me to remain emotionally sedated – I didn’t feel sympathy when she cried, I didn’t feel anger when she accused me of doing things, I didn’t feel depressed when she made snide comments, etc.

    I essentially became an emotional zombie around her. Of course, she didn’t like this at all. The narcissist needs emotional feedback to understand their victim still cares for them – to satisfy the tortured insecure child within them. I found she employed the following methods to gain an emotional response:
    – She would go quiet (different to the silent treatment). It was literally muttering responses quietly or simply nodding of the head so that I would have to look at her to ascertain a response
    – She would desperately try to pick a fight by disagreeing over the most mundane things, to which I simply replied, “Ah, I can see that [point of view]”
    – She would offer sex. I would always oblige at this one because I too enjoy sex. However, I never made love to her and simply treated the whole thing as a carnal pleasure to satisfy urges.

    I never wanted to ‘destroy’ her because I knew this was her defence mechanism and that deep down she was still a human being. However, I reminded myself that she couldn’t be saved, and any attempt would be a signal to her that I was ‘back on the hook’.

    Once the baby had been born (the only reason I kept the façade going for so long was because I wanted to be at the birth of my child and knew she would have prevented this had I left her) I stayed around for a few months to bond and be with my child. Once a routine was in place I told her I was leaving. She asked why, to which I never gave her the true reasons – I simply stated that I wanted something different but I would always be around for the baby.

    I allowed her custody and visit my child every weekend. I often wonder if I’ve done the right thing allowing her custody because of the damage a narcissist can do to a child. My child appears to be doing well and is very independent/strong willed which I encourage. I’m constantly vigilante though for signs of any negative impacts the mother is having.

    Ultimately, I believe the biggest fear for a narcissist is rejection from a ‘loved one’ (a loved one to a narcissist being somebody they can depended on for emotional gratification and worship). It appears to strike them to their very core.

    Anyway, for any victim of a narcissist I suppose my only advice is to take control of yourself – emotions, opinions, social activities, career, etc – and leave the narcissist behind. Pity these people because they will have to experience a life without the feeling of true love or companionship, whilst being constantly tormented by the contradictions of their being.

    • James. says:

      We need better moderaters, not only did I read this and see the victim in the story is actually the narc himself, I also suspect this person is a sociopath trolling.
      I hope the woman in this story took her child and ran.

      • Steve says:

        It’s you that’s wrong. Everything this person just said, I identify with. I’ve been put through the wringer the last 9 months.

        In fact, i just re-read everything. He just described my relationship. Well, except the baby part, but that’s everything she’s doing to me. She even told me two weeks ago how she believes her mother is a severe narcissist.

      • PKHaas says:

        I don’t agree with your opinion, at all! I don’t even begin to understand where you find it in you to say something like that. I can also, identify with this person’s comment. It got to the point where he had to do what he could to be able to think of himself and do what was right for himself and his child. Narcs are dangerous and so selfish. You have to fight against them to try to win at keeping what is important to you, or they’ll take every little bit of everything you hold near and dear.

        • Laura says:

          Absolutely! He did the spot on right thing while dealing with a narcissist! His story is very rational and encouraging. The only thing that you can truly do with a narcissist to any degree of effectiveness is exactly what he did!

          Manage, minimize, escape, and let go!

          He knew better than to engage the enemy in a custody battle and is doing the right thing for his child. At this point, the child is most likely only a narcissistic extension of herself, (and therefore, “well-cared for”).

          A few years from now, she’ll be begging him to take the child off of her hands!

    • been there says:

      I agree with the other poster that this poster may not be the actual ‘victim’ here. He says he “allowed custody”. He’s not king, he doesn’t grant custody, a court does. His use of “my” child. They aren’t possessions to be controlled. Unless the other parent is completely gone, it’s “our” child. And the many many months after his “discovery” that she was a narcissist he could coolly and rationally control his emotions and even disassociate during sex. Regular people with empathy can’t detach like this. Actually, it sounds like another borderline – narc love story. I find it kind of embarrassing when a narc plays the victim, kind of ruins their whole “I am god” thing.

  13. 2ndstageanger says:

    i have read the article, IT SHOULDN”T BE LIKE THAT! ONE SHOULD NEVER FORSAKE HIS OR HER OWN PRINCIPLES FOR THE SAKE OF beating a narcissistic!!!

    Its an easy way out only to get things done!!!
    kiissssiinnnggg the butt!!!

    • PKHaas says:

      Sometimes you have to kiss their butt to get yourself in the proper financial situation to be able to get away from them. I don’t look at it as “forsaking my principals”. I look at it as playing into their game purposely in order to keep things calm, keep myself safe, and to buy myself some time. When you’re in a fight for your life, you have to do what you gotta do!

  14. btrflifree says:

    I was hoping that it was all ok. I was in love with him but he is a narcissistic sociopath. Larry Robert superfly Bauman. He lived quite a few lives during our marriage. He stalked me and I gained a five year restraining order. This is a very important article for survivors. And I’m glad that I know exactly what I’m dealing with. I will ultimately be running away from him for the rest of my life.

  15. kim says:

    I am in a very bad relationship with a cruel narcissist. He started off as many do, with all the praise adoration and feigned love that most narc’s do. I fell and now after 4 years of the most horrific existience..I dreama of escape. I have animals and need to find a place to take them because I know he would kill them to hurt me. He knows I am an animal person and has slowly but surely caused me to be come someone so different..I used to have pets in the home and now they have to be outside. it has really broken my heart. He has also changed the dynamic between me and my daughters (from a previous relationship). I am the type to have an open door policy and he makes them jump thru hoops to come over or even ignores phone calls from them, or texts. then when I discover this he acts indifferent or a ‘so what” kind of attitude about it. I cannot do anything without his approval or supervision and I am practically a prisoner in my own home..he always says I should be grateful since I live in the “lap of luxury”. I also get “if youd just do what I say and stop with all that sass and backtalk youd be fine” ..thats if I ever get the nerve to have an opinion or state my point of view. I have been in abusive relationships before and I think this is worse than even the physical abuse I suffered prior to him. The other man was an alcoholic and was violent when severely drunk..this narcissism is 24/7 365!!! I hate comparing the 2 like that because both are bad but I am in shambles from this daily onslaught of rage and commands to do it his way or else! I miss my kids , my freedom and my peace of mind. Its gotten so bad that if Im sitting thinking quietly to myself, he says Im scheming on him and I better tell him what Im thinking! I cant even have my own thoughts now..I know I am going to leave but Im afraid of what this divorce will be like after reading about how horrible narcs are in a divorce. I dont want anything he has..all want is OUT!

  16. Odette says:

    i was with one, also bipolar – splitting and so on. He seemed so vulnerable when we met I felt rather sorry for him. As we became a couple I found him more arrogant, he communicated by a set of statements rather than a conversation. He began to tell me what I thought on subjects and who I liked, all very strange as a lot of his judgements were assumptions and 90% of them were incorrect.
    He was obsessed by his beauty, he was very average to look at, he exaggerated his sporting abilities and so on. I really couldn’t care less about these sorts of things.
    He proved to be bat s**t crazy, psychotic, imagining things. During one crazy rage he said something so stupid I thought he was being ironic, ironically he actual was serious.
    The whole thing ended very very badly, I was so sick with fear right in front of him, he just said “oh, I knew you’d be ill tonight”. As if I was spoiling his one man show.
    They are the most dangerous people, often there is a second mental illness to fuel the splitting. I was in the recovery room for at least 6 months. He had a new source about a month later. All my fault though, I made him do it.
    I’ve read the OJ Simpson story and that is how they operate all of them. I googled is love about power, my narc made a comment on an occasion and he actually said ” I wouldn’t give anybody that power over of me” when I’d asked whether he had been in love with a previous girlfriend. Listen carefully, never disagree and plan a safe passage out.

  17. Andreia says:

    I would like to break free from a nightmarish existence with my partner who shows clear signs of being a narcissist. The major problem is my daughter. I cannot just take her with me, otherwise I would be committing kidnapping. And if I go to a judge the probabilities are that my daughter would have to jump in between houses due to share custody. This cenario would be terrible bcause at least now she has me to avoid him feeding from her all the time. I would like to know if it is possible in Belgium to diagnose his state and to prove his dangerous and evil behaviour upon his daughter? Grateful for any enlightenment right now.

    • Laure says:

      Hello Andreia!
      I have a daughter too and exactly the same problem. I live in the US now and can’t take my american-born baby back home to Belgium!
      I know it’s been a while since you posted that, I hope you and your daughter are ok.
      Did you manage to escape or find ways to tolerate this situation?
      Bonne chance.

    • Dimitri Abbeloos says:

      Hi Andreia,

      I live in Belgium and just discovered that I lived with a Narc during 20 years.
      My daughter has the same attitudes as my wife had when we just met: very silent,hyper egocentristic and agressive for anything that goes against her will.
      I lived a year of delusion, fear, rage, total isolation and depressed. She attacked me all the year long and, whit a growing pace and a growing sadistic nature.
      At the end I was so frustrated that I hit her in the face, because she degraded me to a bad shild that must be reeducated. Have found some helpfull organisations in Belgium who are seriously trained to proof thier wrong doing and save the victims from wrongdoings in the past under her manipulation? Many Thanks

  18. Karen Evenden says:

    I am extremely worried for my daughter & grandkids as my daughter is currently with a narcissist. I don’t think she has a clue & when I tried to warn her last year (she stupidly told him all I said) so he manipulated her into believing I was wrong & turned her against me & that was when I really knew what I was dealing with!! So I had to back down & apologise so I could still be in my grandchildren’s lives (especially my 2yr old granddaughter, who isn’t his child). I need to be in their lives to make sure they are ok! Most of the time he is a “good”father to them which is part of his narcissistic behaviour but is very good at getting them to behave with fear & emotional abuse. I’m disgusted with my daughter letting him speak to her the way he does (tho he doesn’t all the time… He can appear to be loving & fun but I can see she’s scared of him a lot of the time) but now understand to confront him makes it 10 times worse so has to be spoken to in the way you’ve mentioned in your article. My question is how the hell can I convince my daughter what she’s dealing with? & keep them safe?

  19. Mike says:

    Have you considered a Narc Survivor moment?

  20. Yannie says:

    When I was younger, I noticed that my mother gets jelous at me. I never really gave it attention because it’d be too crazy to think that a mother would envy her children. However, when she was filing an annulment for my dad for some reasons I didn’t really understand as a kid. she was asked to take an exam. Her result showed that she is a narcissist and she was proud of it. Again, I never really paid attention to it because I didn’t know how serious it was.

    I have 3 siblings. Two of us are girls and 2 are boys. I am the eldest. When we go out, we usually eat out and or go straight to the department store. Most of the times, it’s only us girls who would go out because the boys have their own stuff. Normally, I would try out clothes, but I’d get a very distressing comment. She grabs the dress and place it on my sister, “It looks better on her.”

    I remember when she went inside my room, looking for something inside my closet, but she didn’t notice I was behind looking at her, saying “stupid girl” and when she noticed me, she borrowed money (well, she didn’t return everything she ever borrowed to me). That hurt me. She would give me her old clothes, and later on find out that she got it back from my closet. Maybe she didn’t like seeing that it looked good on me and woukd either take it back or give it to my sister, but I let it slide because she is my mom and I love her. I do everything to please her, I clean the whole house, excell in class, never go out that much and would never do things that would ld make her angry but I never get any credit for that. My sister is the exact opposite of me, but she can do whatever she wants. It’s not my sister’s fault either.

    The thing is, I am a very sensitive person and I get emotional everyday of my life. She drops words like bombs. I mean, her style amazes me, sugar coated words that would make you look stupid or feel worthless. I don’t know how I should react but she makes poison appear so pretty.

    I have learned that there’s always a golden child and a scapegoat in every narcissistic parenting. Unfortunately, U guess I’m the scapegoat.

    • Yannie says:

      It’s easy to get out with a narcissistic partner, but it’s different when you’re dealing with your mother.

  21. sarah says:

    My daughter who is 15 was recently given to her malignant narcissistic father’s custody. I lost the court battle due to lies and total mind comtrol he gained over the court: She was a micro preemie and then ar 13 had a brain tumor. I raised her through this to become a miraculous survivor practically all on my own. He hates doctors and knows more than any of them. He persuaded the court that I was medically negligent. There was no expert medical testimony, only his lies and his enabling lawyer. My lawyer mysteriously disappeared from the state at the start of the trial. We had a judge who hates women, especially minority women which Ii am, and hates children. It has been several months now and i have another legal team that is helpimg me turn this around. The problem is my dsughter is under extreme mental, psychological and emotional abuse with him. She is a orisoner in his home, and he destorts everything about her to the world. I am concerned that she will lose her mind or try to hurt herself. I am concerned that he might hurt her or kill her in a sudden burst of rage. No one understsnds what we have tried to explain about him except for a few people. Fyi he cannot keep a job because his behavior with us, though hidden from the outside world is rrplicated in the work place. How can i save my dsughter? I am not allowes6to see her privately, i cannot talk to her by phone, and until the order is changed i cannot step in to save her. Please help me. I read your article above and understood that you might be the only person who can help me. Thank you.

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