Do Male Narcissists Have Friends of the Same Sex? Or Too Much Competition?

narcissist-friendsDo Narcissists Have Friends Of The Same Sex?

Q: Thanks to this blog, my faith, and help from family, friends, and a few visits to a therapist, I have been free of my narcissist ex for 7 months. A friend of mine is going through a break-up with a narcissist now and is having a difficult time (I’ve shared this site with her). As she talks to me about her ex, we realized something both exes have in common: neither men had any friendships with other men.

At best, they had remote acquaintances with other male figures (and in his case, because my ex is a locally-known celebrity with a self-inflated opinion of himself, these few males about whom he bragged were of ‘high standing’ in our community…athletes, political figures, wealthy businessmen with whom he spoke rarely!), but even then that was only once or twice-a-year communication. My ex regularly referred to these acquaintances as “his friends” but had not a single male friends. Her ex shared this trait. Is this common for male narcissists, and if so, why? Too much competition?

A: Congratulations on successfully breaking free of a narcissist; that is not an easy accomplishment and it sounds like you had a wonderful support system to help you. Your friend is very lucky to have you in her support system! Narcissists do not have friends as we know them, neither same sex or opposite sex. They will label someone their friend if they are acquainted with them and have high standing in the community, thereby providing them with narcissistic supply by association.

It is not because of competition per se (in some specific cases that may be true), it is because he has no empathy and does not need friends- he has himself and his need for supply and that is all that matters in his world. He or she may have ‘followers’ for a while until even they can no longer tolerate the chaos or abuse that is the narcissist’s life. As Sam Vaknin says, “The narcissist is a human roller coaster- fun for a limited time, nauseating in the long run.”

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12 Responses to “Do Male Narcissists Have Friends of the Same Sex? Or Too Much Competition?”

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  1. Christine says:

    On the male narcissist having friends of the same sex.
    My former spouse had had only a very small number of male friends in his life, maybe a handful, but way out on the periphery of what a healthy person would call a friend. Then he became involved with a men’s group which provided an endless and bottomless pool of weak, vulnerable men to call his ‘friends’. Most of the members were or had been involved in bad marriages, breakups, experienced unsatisfactory relationships with women and, frequently with other men. Many of the members had encouraged their female partners to joing the women’s section of the group. The men’s group and the women’s group had distinct prescribed roles and scripts to play out. Generally men encouraged to be manly men and women to be subservient to them.
    These members were encouraged to develop strong relationships with each other, therefore group members were largely restricted to the weakest and most vulnerable people as their closest, most truest and trusted ‘friends’.
    Our acquaintances were a pool of people who were ‘easy’ for my former spouse to manage. He became an expert in the group discourse and was able to dazzle members and possible new recruits with his relationship ‘knowledge’. He quickly developed his band of ‘followers’ because the men’s group encouraged almost a worship of each other’s manhood and manliness and he epitomized those qualities with his physcial presence and prowess, and the misogynistic filth spewed to damaged men.
    Although he spoke constantly of his integrity and honor, I knew this man to be a liar, schemer, manipulator, a thoroughly dishonest individual. He wouldn’t fly into a narcissistic rage whenever one of his men attempted to bring up a disconnect with his words and deeds (such as his constant seeking out of relationships with vulnerable single women with sons), instead he would drag out the intense silent treatment, and frequently close down, ignoring the men for a period of time. This response was met with almost an awe by his men who would respond with attempts to rekindle the dazzle he poured over them. (In our relationship his silent treatment also involved the implied threat of potential physical harm. The viens in his neck distended, hands and lips clenched, a frightening display and enough to have me back off apologetically). Very rarely was his violent threat played out in public of course.
    A couple of the members of his group tell me recently that after over 15 years, a good number of them had become exhausted with and distrustful of his pomposity and arrogance, and the constant need for attentiveness to his wonderfulness. When he recently relocated to a city from the small town we had lived in, he left behind choice observations of the failures of ‘his men’ to ‘step up to the plate’ and rigorously practice the philosophy to his standard. Apparently, they found it a relief to be rid of him.
    Even these weak, vulnerable people had had enough.

  2. Melanie Briggs says:

    I’m a bit late here but I’ve realized the same with my partner. We’ve been in a relationship for almost four years. In the beginning, he kept on clinging to his Ex ( bad long distance relationship for 18 months) and to a Friend with Benefits ( for 10! years, she’s 15 years older). It might seem a coincidence, but he always ends up with mainly females, in his daily life. I personally also get along better with men, because I do hate female behaviour, you know- the bitchy, talk bad behind everybody’s back kind of attitude. I always behaved more “boy-like” eversince I was very young.But I do get along with women. For my partner, who’s the sensitive , sensible kind of person, I do understand that women quite like this attitude in males. But yet- there’s more underneath. He’s having extreme problems with male colleagues, he calls them narcissistic, competetive and dislikes all these man- type behaviours. Alsmost hates them. He’s been diagnosed “anxious- avoidant”, but he admits he feels superiour at times. I guess, the lack of contact with males stems from this covert fear of competition, while , strangely, at the same time, he acts as if he’s much better than all the others.

  3. JPJ says:

    Narc`s do not have real friends. The people in their lives are just there to be used and abused.
    They are just supply and will be dumped as soon as they are not required. So when you are a “friend” with a Narc…you are wasting your time.

  4. carl says:

    i worked for one for around 6 months i am a time served craftsman he is an average joe a failed mechanic who has to get other people to fix his car.They dont have friends and although some people will turn up at weekends and hang out with him its because he is a sucker who they no if they do any work for him they can take him for a ride and fleece him of his money even though he will tell everyone what a good deal he is getting.I dropped out of his company within a few months he still appears at my door now and again to tell me about his property empire which to date consists of a small bungalo he is building taken 8 years and still not finished says it all doesnt it. Think the only friends he has our his parents who in his case have shaped him into the person he is some parents hay.Sometimes they break the mould and the traint of being in control is a myth bit like Donald trump who won’t show his tax returns because it will shw he is at a los in his business.

  5. AJB says:

    I am writing because I absolutely am dealing with a narcissist. The problem is, we’ve been divorced about 5 years, and have two children together. He has already managed to turn our 18 year old daughter against me, which is very unfortunate, as I still and will always love her. We also have an 8 year old son and he’s already working on saying things to my son to turn him against me. I have an awesome attorney who is perfect and knows my ex is a bully and will not stop trying to control me and beat me down financially and mentally. Fortunately, I have been dating someone for 2 years now who has been very very supportive and sees everything my ex is doing and trying to do. He keeps saying give it back to him, respond by saying “F” you and other things. I have been very good and have kept my composure and do NOT respond to texts or emails when they are demeaning, hurtful, controlling, saying things are my fault, etc. We went to court in Feb and got a temporary custody order. Because of all the things my ex has done and said, all of us had to get psyche evals done. Once we get the results back (which we just did) we will head back to court in about 3 months to determine final custody. He is convinced he will win, tries to control what happens in my home, what friends my son is to have, what clothes he should be wearing, and said he hopes when the psyche evals come back that I will see that I am the problem and get the help I need. The problem is I can’t take someone to court for being an a*****e, but I somehow need to prove he’s working on our son. My son already told me his dad told him that when he turns 10 or 11, he can choose who he wants to live with. Obviously, that’s not the case, and that idea shouldn’t be discussed NOR should the idea have ever even been put in our son’s head. I recently went away on a weekend trip with my dad and it was my weekend with my son. My son lives with me and it was my weekend. I did NOT need to ask my ex about the trip, only tell him, and tell him the name and address of the hotel we stayed at. My ex sent me an email stating I was violating the order since I did not ask his permission take our son on the trip, NOR did I ask his permission to take our son out of school. The order states no parent can take the child on a vacation during the school year. First, a vacation is considered 7 days, and I only took our son out of school for 2 days. Second, the school approved it. Third, my weekend, my time. THEN I found out that while I was gone, my ex himself or someone took pics of my house while I was gone, showing my vehicle in my driveway. This to me shows harassment or stalking. Since my dad drove from MO in his truck, we took his truck so my ex will look like an idiot when he shows those pics in court. I hope to get a video or more than one of my son saying the things his dad is telling him. Saying he said it is one thing, getting it on video is another. I just hope my son remembers it and it doesn’t look like I’m coaxing him to say it. It has been about 2 weeks since he told me what his dad said to him. The other problem is I still owe my attorney quite a bit of money from going to court in February, and she’s saying she can’t represent me in court again until she is paid. So in that sense, my ex is winning since I am a single mom working part time and feel he is trying to break me financially. Okay, this is long enough, sorry. Anyone wishing to give advice or help me financially (ha) and help me beat him in court, I would greatly appreciate it!

    • Kristina says:

      AJB,
      If my ex didn’t leave me broke and unable to work because he did leave me with ASAD (Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder) and the heartache and depression of PA ( Parental Alienation) I would give you what ever you need for the attorney fees so you could keep your kids!
      I know you don’t have much time before you go back to court but I feel that the Judges among many other workers involved need to be educated on Parental Alienation! The more they know and understand about PA the better your chances will be. As you know, the narcissist spouse is so good at lying, he could even convince the Judge you are an unfit parent! I don’t mean to scare you but, I would beg borrow and steal to get the money for the attorney! You might have to do a lot of extra work to pay it back but your kids are worth it! Good luck!
      Kristina

  6. S says:

    Just ending a 23 year marriage to my little N. Former pro football player who constantly told me his friends didn’t like me. Over the years I asked these men “why” they didn’t like me & all of them said they did like me and were shocked he would say that. I am now very good friends with most of them and he has no contact with him not because of my friendship but because they don’t want to deal with his jeckle and Hyde actions.
    I wish I knew the signs decades ago! Thank you all for sharing your stories it is so helpful to know I’m. Not alone and crazy!

  7. Sandra says:

    Real, malignant narcissists, as opposed to just jerks, do NOT have real friends – simply because genuine friendship involves reciprocity.
    Narcissists do not perceive the meaning of reciprocity.
    They do not comprehend loyalty.
    They do not grasp the concept of friendship.
    They do not understand that to have a friend, you have to BE a friend.
    That is an impossibility for a being that lacks empathy.

  8. Kellie says:

    So I have been married to a narc for 32 miserable years I delt with physical abuse mental abuse you name it he’s now alcoholic and that started about 15 years ago . I divorced him after 19 years of marriage but he made my life even more miserable during that time he stalked me controlled me by phone if I didn’t answer he would be banging on the door if I did answer he would be calling none stop until the phone made me crazy and if I went some where he would be watching ! So after 2 years I remarried this man he did stop the physical abuse but not the mean selfish mental abuse . So The first divorce I had a male attorney and I am wondering if any of you think a male attorney is more intimidating for a male narc ? I sorta think so but would like to hear some other opinions . Thanks in a no win situation !! By the way his sister is a text book narc just like him and now I am seeing it come out in his oldest daughter .

  9. So I have been married to a narc for 32 miserable years I delt with physical abuse mental abuse you name it he’s now alcoholic and that started about 15 years ago . I divorced him after 19 years of marriage but he made my life even more miserable during that time he stalked me controlled me by phone if I didn’t answer he would be banging on the door if I did answer he would be calling none stop until the phone made me crazy and if I went some where he would be watching ! So after 2 years I remarried this man he did stop the physical abuse but not the mean selfish mental abuse . So The first divorce I had a male attorney and I am wondering if any of you think a male attorney is more intimidating for a male narc ? I sorta think so but would like to hear some other opinions . Thanks in a no win situation !! By the way his sister is a text book narc just like him and now I am seeing it come out in his oldest daughter . Your right about them not having real friends ! The are very lonely people most of the time .

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