A Narcissist Broke My Heart

A year has passed since I ended a relationship with a narcissistic man. I am removed from the relationship now but my heart has not healed. I can go several days in a row without thinking about it. I can still clearly remember when it seemed impossible to get through even a minute without thinking about it. During the first few weeks I had to train myself to not think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then 10 minutes, then an hour at a time. It took a long time to get to this point and it has taken its toll on my spirit. I think back upon that time as a traumatic event in my life from which I am still recovering. The term ‘soul damage’ repeatedly comes to mind when I think about it.

A blogger wrote (Phoenix Rising website, 2013) that she had come to realize, years later but still in pain, that the experience had made her aware of things within herself which she had lost due to her relationship with a narcissist. She listed all the things which she had possessed prior to their relationship. Two and a half years later, she had partially recovered some of these things and others she was still working on. She felt some were gone for good and she didn’t know how to go about getting them back. When I read the list, I realized that I could have written that list and it broke my heart all over again:

What I Lost

Self Esteem

Faith in Life

Sense of Direction

Hope for the Future

Belief in Love

Belief in my worthiness

Belief in my dreams

Faith in my Intuition

Faith in myself

Ability to Trust Intimately

Sense of Worth

Beauty

Youth

Health Physique

Sense of Personal Power

Belief that I was special

Belief in my Sexuality

Faith in following my heart

Sobriety

Peace of Mind.

Belief in soul mates

The magical feeling that my life had come full circle

Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful

Sense of self

Feelings of magic and wonder in the world

Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground

Faith in myself to make the right decisions

I still don’t totally “get it”. Intellectually, I understand (now that I have read so much on narcissism), but my heart and soul are broken and they have yet to understand. I mean, WHY would a man fall madly in love with me and shower me with affection and attention—then suddenly—without warning or reason, turn ice cold, push me away, go silent and ignore me? HOW could he switch from Prince Charming in public to a mean, vicious, cold and silent person in private? He always said I was the only woman he ever wanted or that he would ever want; he said we were soul mates.

When I first met him, it was amazing. He was attractive, charming and sexy. He was too good to be true (a major Red Flag that I missed). Life and our relationship couldn’t be more perfect. As he showed more and more of this other side in private, I tried desperately to get him to open up and tell me what was wrong. Was it me? What was I doing to deserve such behavior? The more I questioned him and the closer I tried to get to him, the further he pushed me away and the colder he got. He started blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life- even things that he himself did. Then the real abuse began; he belittled, criticized and condemned everything I did, but he also began getting physically aggressive with me. He never apologized; he said that I made him act that way. It was my fault. It was always my fault. I walked on eggshells, never knowing when I would get blamed and when or why he would fly into a rage.

I couldn’t take it anymore and finally got the courage to leave him. After torturous weeks of silence, he finally called. He acted as if nothing was wrong and pretended that nothing ever happened. He was back to his old self again: sweet, loving and caring. He begged me to come back and I did. Everything was perfect again. The sex was out of this world. Again he made me feel special, cherished and adored; he put me on a pedestal and said no other woman could ever compare.

Then it started happening again. He was cold and distant. He was mean. He played the silent card and showed no interest in my life or being in it. He told me he needed space and seriously questioned whether we were right for each other. I found out he was back in contact with the woman he had been seeing when I left him…or had he ever stopped seeing her?

I was confused, depressed, heartbroken and in pain. I left.

Repeat the cycle– several times.

I finally realized he was never going to change. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I was tired of all the abuse, tired of the constant state of confusion, tired of the constant depression and finally- I was tired of all the wondering and questioning myself over and over. I wanted my old self back.

Eventually, I came to accept that he was not capable of loving me or anybody other than himself. Unless I wanted to spend the rest of my life in an abusive relationship, it was I who needed to change. I needed to get away from him and the toxic relationship. I packed my suitcase and tucked my broken heart inside it.

“Remember — you win this one by accepting defeat. In this contest, the only way to lose is to keep playing.

References:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/02/18/10-tips-to-mend-a-broken-heart/

http://phoenixsphere.com/category/healing-after-relationship-with-a-narcissist/

http://tigressluv.com/recovering_from_a_narcissist.html#.UeG3MqxdUuw

 

 

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About Alexander Burgemeester

11 Responses to “A Narcissist Broke My Heart”

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  1. sharona says:

    I so can identify with all the above. It has been three years now since the relationship brutally ended , thrown away like trash and I can say I’m sortof recovered. He married a woman I work with, they met online shortly after our relationship ended!( I believe he already had her scoped out). Talk about a knife in your heart, I had to watch their whole “beautiful” relationship blossom and hear how awful I was …awful stuff. It has taken alot of tears and counciling and many prayers to get myself back again. Of course I think of all the things I could have possibly done wrong and shes done right! UGH !!

    They do leave their mark and it sickens me to watch how he’s weaseled his way into my work environment and become friendly with all the people I work with and know. Mr. Charmer!
    Live and learn, trust your gut. How many times have we heard ” when its to good to be true”!!

    • Jo says:

      I could have written that myself. 18 months it has been for me. He already had someone lined up and they are weasling back into my life, both work and friends. Unfortunately we have a child together which makes it even harder to move on. Very cruel behaviour and everything is my fault and I need to “grow into a good person. I m doing this for your own good.”
      I cannot believe the cruel things he has done after spending years telling me I was everything he ever wanted and that we were soulmates. Everything about me was used against me as justification for him having an affair.
      Am still recovering.
      Now, I pay more attention to red flags! Yes, live and learn

  2. me says:

    thank you for sharing this. I have a very similar experience, where I finally ended the relationship. now I feel regret and wondered if things would have been different if I came back, and reading your experience helps me to accept that things would not have changed. all the best to you. there are great books on working of your self esteem, do the things you used to love and it will come back.

  3. Annette says:

    I just cried reading this, I know how it all feels, I’ve spent a year so far living it every single day. My husband is a cold-hearted, emotionless robot of a narcissist (unless he’s in public). I used to be is world, now I’m just an after thought if he’s bored. I know there’s NOTHING of the man I fell for left inside of him, but my love for him still hinders my healing. He calls, and a I (begrudgingly) still go running. Then he’s gone again. If we didn’t have kids together this would’ve so much easier for me to atleast try to move on.

  4. Broken says:

    I just finished reading this and it broke my heart as well. This past weekend was the end of cycle 5 (i think we are on) from a 2-1/2 year relationship.

    It scares me to logically know that this man is no good for me…. but yet i crave and yearn for him at times.

    While my guy doesnt go into rages or insult me, he does a great job and witholding affection, praise, sex and pretty much anything that would make me happy. When its my bday, there is no “celebration”, not a card only a simple text saying: Happy Birthday. This year, he claimed to not even have known it was my bday but once having found out again– just a simple text saying: Oh wow, i completely forgot…Happy Birthday. Not a phone call, not a: I will make it up to you….but that was it. And this is from someone who i spend a large amount of time with, speak every day on the phone with for HOURS (mostly hearing him talk).

    For the most part I feel like this post… like i am nothing. No matter how caring, understanding, patient, sweet, and no matter how much i give…there is no reciprication. In fact its almost like i would get farther being a complete ice cold un-interested woman rather than someone who loves him.
    It is all so backwards to me and i am still trying to make sense of it all.

    I do have a question though: would the above fall in line with narcissism? He seems to be a great father always being there for his son (almost obsessively) and telling him he loves him etc. So at times i think… well the capability is there but it just seems that he DELIBERATELY neglects me from having any love, affection, sex you name it!! While he will cuddle with his son and play games sometimes i feel like im not even in the room or as if i dont even exist. Or is he just putting on a show for his son as well? So that his son can think the world of him and adore him and make him out to be “the greatest dad in the world”. Because not for anything…..this seems to be his #1 thing he loves to hear. (not that any other parent wouldnt) but that is why i am asking.

    Thank you for anyone who can help!

  5. Pamela says:

    Hey, I know how you feel for sure. It sounds like you totally have this person summed up well. He sounds exactly like my ex Narc (no contact currently 6 months). I think you does love his son but also he sees him as an extension of himself and therefore the son will be ‘perfect’ and will do no wrong. However, you will take the blame for everything and he will decide when if and how to show you any love or affection because by doing this it is him being creator of either your happiness, sadness or any other emotion. Really, as long as it’s him pulling your strings and making you feel whatever you feel that’s the narcissistic supply he feeds off and all that he requires to empower his false self and sense of importance. I went through what you are going through over the course of 6 long and torturous years being told what I wear was not right, my hair not right, my job not good enough, telling my families’ faults, my parenting was not good enough, how I should deal with the ex husband father of my two sons (we get on just fine), how to behave when we
    were out and the list goes on! However, if I ever said even half of this to him it be world war 3!! Rage, storming out and then all my belongings dumped on my driveway for all to see (the things I kept at his house for when I stayed there). Time and time again he did this. I knew it was not normal behaviour for a man in his fifties! Friends and family begged me to leave! There was even one time when he became physically assaultive and very intimidating but he decided to lie to himself that this event ever happened!! When a relationship has ended it’s very hard to deal with but when it’s with a Narc it’s even harder! Please try to keep strong and know that you are not to blame and what he is doing is totally on purpose and he is liking the fact that he’s making you feel insecure and left out. They are master manipulators! When your boyfriend’s son tells him he’s the best dad ever imagine the amount of N supply he will feel so yes I think it’s still all about him doing it for this reason. My ex N was also a very obsessive father and guess what? His kids never did anything wrong it was always their friends or someone else making them do things. I send you love and hope for your future.

  6. Joe says:

    So, I guess Im new here. Just started the process of divorcing my narc wife (soon-to-be-ex) A lot of these experiences hit close to home. I was told what to do, that nothing I did was good enough or wrong. I didn’t do certain things enough. Bottom line I was doing things wrong always. (I would get kudos for cleaning the bathroom, but that’s it) My wife threatened to cheat on me if I wasn’t in the mood for sex. I was at fault cause we couldn’t have kids naturally. So in September of 13, I left. I wanted her to get counseling before I’d even consider coming home. Well to this day, Im blamed for leaving. I got no apoligies for her verbal/narc abuse over the years and she’s screwing someone else. Even before we seperated, she asked me not to see anyone and I agreed. I asked of her the same. When I brought this to her attention, she denies even saying it. I guess what I feel most is betrayal. The fact I feel that she didn’t even love me. The fact she could throw me away like a piece of trash after 10 years. Oh well, her loss. Someone else’s gain. Thanks for listening people. I hope everyone hear can find the utmost happiness soon.

  7. Ernie says:

    I thought I was over my narc ex, then he appeared in my life again and so the vicious cycle starts again. I no longer get angry, I get incredibly sad and cannot function for days. I have blocked him in the past and may have to. Wish I could have had an amicable break-up so I could be there for him if ever he needed me, but that crosses all my boundaries, found out in the process that I am a codependent. His drug addiction and theft was the last straw for me. This post really helped me to face things as they are not as I wish them to be.

  8. leesa says:

    I decided to jump on the web I keep looking for answers that I believe I know ,
    But its just a little confusing after almost a year in a half its the past 8 months that have been something else . I get called insecure jelouse and called the liar when he pulls a stunt for instints I know im a loving caring giving person there are only three things I ask please dont direspect me dont put another women before me and dont disrespect my intteligence with a lie especially when.I.know the truth playing me like a fool because its happen more than once if im letting use the car theres times were going in the same direction and not even thinking anything ill say lets just go together when I relized either he made it seem he didnt have to go at that min or a attitude appeared it was because he was going to a female which it wasnt to go sleep with I know it was buissness and thats my point I told him I wouldnt get upset . But after the confertation and him knowing Ive confronted what his motive were I told him I know you got a attitude because you didnt want me to go I told him its not who and what girls he talks to its how he goes about it .before I keep babling. When your knowing a changeits like I notice something and it dont take a scentist to notice over doing something and ill say something like a friend I that is not allowed over all of a sudden.he wants to ride to mcdonlds I ask him whats your motive who are you meeting which I knew that was what he wasv doing to me thats sneaky lying and yet adter finding out thats exactly what happen I see the conversation on a text and so now I tell him exactly what I know and yet he will not accept I just told him exactly the truth .of his lie and I.am called the insecure liar assumer and this is repeated situation everyday how could someone continue to.do this and they already know your hip to there bs and still wanna do this

  9. Naima says:

    Well I meet what I taught was my soul mate! Turns out he’s a narc to the fullest extent ended up leaving me high and dry without a simple explanation of why I got discarded! He ended up having a baby with the very person he would cry on my shoulder about time and time again! I actually got dumped in a text message. I was told to simply loose his number he had a family now! Wow anyway what lead up to this is far and beyond anything I can comprehend. To try and make things easier for me I told him to block my number. Just so that if I had the urge to call or text he would never receive it. Of course he refuses to do so not bc he wants to hear from me but bc it gives him pleasure to no that I’m still hurting.I still contact this cold hearted bastard it’s not even to be with him or to brake his family it’s simply to get an I’m sorry or something trust me that will never happen with these people and I painfully no this. To make a long story short he started pretending to be anthor person but yet was asking me for my address in the text! He Basicslly wants to be able to have his family and I guess pop up at my new apt and abuse me at his will! The last time I contacted him he again pretended to be anthor person so I told him I no it’s you but I will not be bothering you again. He answered with a cold K in the text meaning ok. So with that I don’t bother him anymore it’s hard bc I want clarity and vindication but I no that ever time I contact this ass it’s taken as if I still want him and truthfully part if me still do but my more relavant side says stay away stay away! So for the most part I’ve been doing that. I hope I can heal it’s been over a year and I still feel like a thrown away piece of trash. I hope to never hear from again but I can’t say I wouldn’t go back if he came calling I no sick!

  10. Doris says:

    I was married to a man like this for 2 1/2 years. I call these years my dark years. He seemed fun and he told me he loved me. After I got to know his family better I realized how dysfunctional they really were and him too. All the children are named with the same first names! I should have taken that as a red flag and ran away. After about a year things got worse, he would belittle me, call me fat. His sisters hated me, especially his favorite one because they said I changed him. He consulted his family about our marriage, not me. He told me at one point his family (not me) came first. He took marital advice from his favorite sister who was divorced twice and had children with different men. He lied to me and would be verbally and emotionally abusive. Had I stayed in the marriage I believe he would have hit me. I am happy I didn’t have children with this monster. I filed for divorce and he and his family proceeded to tell lies to the priest and other people about me. He also took some of my furniture and dumped it on my dad’s driveway, my dad was about 75 years old when this happened. A good friend of mine who knew my ex-husband picked everything up for us. I’m sure he had his dysfunctional sister’s help since he did everything she told him to. I even got a nasty letter from her soon after. Getting married to him was the one of the worst mistakes I made in my life, divorcing him was one of my greatest accomplishments. I got my own place and I didn’t have anyone treating me badly and I was so happy to be rid of him and his mean sisters, his mother was nuts too. Be happy to be free.

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