6 Steps on How to Leave the Narcissist

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest, most devastating, break-ups you will ever endure. But survival is indeed a possibility. Narcissists are typically charming, captivating, intelligent and manipulative. They are difficult to let go of, plus it also means coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved was not the person you thought he or she was. Furthermore, it means admitting to the painful and humiliating things you endured during your relationship.  And then just when you have the strength to finally leave, the narcissist turns your emotions upside down again with guilt, intimidation or original charm, telling you the exact words you have been waiting to hear (“I love you, I’ll change”, etc.).

The narcissist will find a way to keep you hooked as soon as he senses you are leaving or you warn him you are thinking about it. He or she knows your weaknesses and will exploit them to keep you in the relationship. After all, you are a major source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist is not about to give that up easily.

A narcissistic relationship is a virtual tornado consisting of abuse, walking on eggshells, mind twisting, blaming, criticism and condemnation. The person you fell in love with hid behind a mask, he or she is a fraud. That person’s sole interest is himself. Their partner, or victim, ends up suffering with low self-esteem, loneliness, anxiety and depression. However, you can successfully leave the narcissist and regain your sanity, self esteem and joy by engaging in the following steps:

Take financial and legal steps first

Before leaving, ensure that you take care of yourself financially and legally. Obtain a credit card in your own name if you don’t already have one. Open a separate bank account in your name and put emergency funds into it, in case your spouse or partner tries to stop you from accessing funds. One technique to prevent your partner from knowing you are stashing money away is to use your debit card and ask for cash amounts over the purchase; put that cash in the account.

If you are married, hire a good attorney who is aware of, preferably experienced with, narcissism. Don’t take anything your spouse says “in good faith”, get it in writing. Don’t ever leave ANYTHING in writing for him. It will be used against you.

Follow the legal steps your attorney recommends to protect yourself, financially and physically. Make copies of all relevant financial records including bank statements, 401K and investment statements, loan information, credit card statements, insurance policies, tax returns, pay stubs, W-2’s, and car titles.

Document everything! This may be especially important if you are in a custody dispute, have concerns about your narcissist’s parenting or lifestyle, or if you live in a place where “fault” is taken into consideration in divorces. Document times, dates, places, and events.

Go quickly

Once you have made the decision to leave, go quickly. Don’t argue, disagree, explain or blame- you cannot win. He will reject your view point as he has always done. He will twist your words and make you doubt what you are doing. Make short, neutral statements (Ex.: “you could be right” or “I don’t want to discuss this any further”)-and keep repeating the statement like a broken record. Don’t fall into his trap of arguing or trying to explain. Just leave.

Minimize and make FINAL

Make short, neutral statements as necessary, offer simple solutions and goals, and if married let him/her know that you will be having individual attorneys to settle any disagreements or confusion. Sam Vaknin, author and narcissist, suggests shifting the blame to yourself (“I don’t know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, and you are constant, reliable and consistent”). He also says, “Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail).”, “Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel.”, “Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain.”, and “Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you”.

Vaknin also says it is imperative that you make clear that your decision – though evidently “erroneous” and “pathological” – is FINAL, irrevocable and that all further contact will be severed.

Avoid further interactions with your spouse or partner, and do not listen to what he or she is telling you about yourself. They will try to further undermine your confidence and cause you to question your decisions. Trust your judgment and decision. Trust yourself.

Prepare for retaliation

Prepare yourself for rage and brutal retaliation from your partner. Despite their own behavior, they will accuse you of using them, abusing, abandoning and financially taking them. If the narcissist’s behavior escalates to threats, taking your car keys, bursting into your bedroom, or not permitting you to leave the house—do not hesitate to go to the police/courthouse and report it or get a restraining order if necessary. Stay calm and rational while you do this so that you look like the rational one. “You truly have no choice but to remove and reclaim yourself.”

The narcissist may try to reel you back in by proclaiming that he/she has moved on and is now having a great life without you. They often try to re-hook their victims by using fear of abandonment, fear of him or her meeting someone else, or anything else that will infuriate, hurt, or send their victims into a panic.

No Contact

In the aftermath of a narcissistic relationship, it is critical to go “No Contact” with your ex. Narcissists do not easily give up access to a provider of Narcissistic Supply, so your ex is likely to keep you dangling on a string for as long as you allow. Cease all contact with the narcissist for at least six months to get emotional distance and strength. Do not answer the door if they show up, do not reply or send texts, emails, IM’s or calls and block their phone number and email address. Ignore what they may say about you on social media sites. Communicate through a trusted third party if necessary. Separate out your bills, assets and property as soon as possible to end reasons for contact. Change passwords, establish separate accounts, and go to different stores, banks, nightclubs etc. to avoid running into the narcissist. Terminate all business entanglements and file for immediate divorce (or put it on hold for at least six months). Throw away keepsakes, or store them out of sight to help you detach from him/her. Give yourself time to completely get past the relationship before making even polite conversation. Read carefully the article on this website titled “No Contact”. If you must communicate with your spouse, try sticking strictly to business or issues around the children.

Get support

Surround yourself with positive, loving friends and family and spend as much time with them as possible. Try to find new friends and non-romantic relationships; you will find that the world is full of genuinely nice people. Join a free or low-cost class or group that interests you-anything that will bring you into the company of new people. Do activities that make you happy such as watching a favorite movie, taking a relaxing bath or a walk in nature, listening to your favorite music, or reading a book. If you don’t already know how to meditate, consider taking a class. Meditation is a great source of increasing inner strength as well as a calming influence.

Give yourself ‘self-support’. For example, start a journal listing his/her former criticisms and disprove each one with a positive statement (“She said I am stupid. I am smart.”) Make and accomplish daily goals-no matter how small- and immediately replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Consider joining a support group and/or seeing a counselor or therapist. Most women’s advocate groups and domestic abuse shelters can give you good references if you don’t know where to turn. Even if you have not been physically abused- you have most certainly been emotionally and verbally abused.

Resources:

  1. http://www.livestrong.com/article/184489-how-to-get-over-a-narcissistic-relationship/
  2. http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-leave-the-narcissist-with-your-emotions-intact/
  3. http://www.ehow.com/how_8443495_leave-narcissist.html
  4. http://ezinearticles.com/?Narcissist-Spouses—4-Strategies-For-Successfully-Leaving-a-Narcissist&id=1967111
  5. http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/excerpts-from-the-archives-of-the-narcissism-list-part-35/

 

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About Alexander Burgemeester

98 Responses to “6 Steps on How to Leave the Narcissist”

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  1. Samantha says:

    Hello, Alexander. Thank you for some tips on how to end my relationship with a narcissist. It has been only two months, but it feels like a year. I never thought I would be involved in such a relationship, but I have learned so much about how women and others can be manipulated. I pride myself on my confidence and emotional stability, but I got sucked right into his web. I cannot believe that I am even sad that it is ending! He left something of great value at my home, which I know was a ruse to have a connection with me since he sensed my decision to end it with him. The plan is to end it tomorrow evening when I give him his item, but I have not decided the best course of action. I have this incredible need to call him out on his behaviors and that it is his loss, but I know that it will not mean anything to him. I know cold turkey and with no contact is the best approach. This really sucks!

    • Ronda Ripia says:

      I have been with a narcissist for 10 yrs he ended it with me after I found out he has a young girl 40yrs younger than him pregnant. We have been broken up 4mths now the baby was born 2mths ago
      Emotionally it has been hell but I know I’ll get through it

    • Nicole Ayers says:

      Good luck im praying for you and all others like us in this situation God bless us all

    • Gordana Turda says:

      I started to date a narcissist who is abusive to me. He is nice one day and mad the other day. I do not know how to deal with it. I want to run. I want him out but I am afraid.

      • Noel says:

        Don’t give up Gordana. Thank you for sharing the other day. Don’t let him abuse you. Don’t let him suffocate you and destroy your friendships. You are missed by your friends and family and you have your children to think about.

      • Jane says:

        OMG I don’t believe this…

        • Jane says:

          I think I know who this is about. Everyone is concerned about you and that controlling weirdo.

          • JJ says:

            It’s easier to avoid an abusive relationship if you’re able to detect the early signs. The Women’s Center distributed the following list for women seeking information on early signs. A path to a safer, healthier and happier life often starts with a bit of knowledge. If your partner displays the following behaviors, it’s possible you’re in an abusive relationship. You need to seek help early.

            Women with history of being abused are more likely to repeat the cycle. Early warning signs can help not to repeat such cycles.

            1. He pushes for quick involvement. He comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this before by anyone.” You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

            2. There’s constant jealousy. Your partner is excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly.

            3. He’s controlling. He interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were, checks mileage on the car, keeps all the money or asks for receipts, and insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.

            4. He has very unrealistic expectations. He expects perfection from you and for you to meet their every need.

            5. There’s isolation. He tries to cut you off from family and friends, deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job and from seeing your family or friends.

            6. He blames others for his own mistakes. The boss, family, you — it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.

            7. He makes everyone else responsible for their feelings. The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I’m angry.” “I wouldn’t get so pissed off if you wouldn’t…

            8. He’s hypersensitive. He’s easily insulted and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life.

            9. He can be cruel to animals or children. He speaks badly of your relatives and friends.

            10. He intimidates, manipulates or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.

            11. He criticizes you or says cruel things. He degrades, says swear words. He will use vulnerable points about your past or current life against you.

            12. There are rigid gender roles in the relationship. He expects you to serve, obey and remain at home. He prevents you from having your own life and your own interests.

            13. He has sudden mood swings. He switches from normal to angry in a matter of minutes.

            14. He blames his ex for issues in his relationship.

            15. He threatens violence. He makes statements such as, “I’ll do this or that” but then dismisses it with “I really didn’t mean it.”

          • Jane says:

            Soon, he will be sniffing your underwear to check if you are thinking of another man. He is a scary little man with mental problems.

  2. Dee says:

    No contact is difficult but absolutely necessary in order to regain the positive attributes of your personality again. The narcissist sucked the life out of you. You need time to realize that you are a whole person. Good Luck!!

    • Charla says:

      I am on day 3 of a 10 day restraining order I finally had the courAge to secure and make N leave the house- my withdrawals have been intense, as I’ve been invalidated for long during our 24 year marriage that I can barely function. And I’ve exhausted myself trying to ‘fix’ myself and everything to make him happy. I now realize how battered I’ve been in this marriage and – these (withdrawals) of anxiety, sheer fear and lack of trust in my own judgement have been symptoms of a bad relationship and toxic environment—-they may pose as guilt, and shame but I am happy the 10 day NO contact order is in place. I see it as a gift for me to reclaim my own thoughts and feelings and needs! Good luck to us all!! 6 years, 26 yrs or 6 minutes — all too long to accept this treatment!!

      • Myshall says:

        Im hearing you 22 years with narciss have been trying and talking about it for 20 years one more week before I escape and think he’s on to me I have panic attacks he so good at making me feel sorry for him and yet been so one eyed on what he’s done to me and the kids with his controlling abuses behaviour we will never be good enough in the eyes of narcissism he will be broken man I’m so nervous was helpful to hear yours good luck

      • Angel says:

        i see you posted day “3” back in June. I was wondering how your doing? My situation is so bad I’ve tried taking my life twice. I’m lost. So lost. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. Please tell me it got easier? Did you guys get back together?

      • Helen says:

        Hi Carla, I am trying to end a 20 year marriage. I finally got the courage to see a lawyer…im just tired of living in fear…but then some days he is really good. I have second guessed myself for years. He would always tell me I was making too much out of the degrading things he said and did. Only when he started saying them infront of our children did I decide enough! My kiddos are super supportive and want me to file but my family is still having the hardest time with it. Because infront of them he acts like a completely different person…its so hard to make others see..but I have finally realized that I am almost 40 years old and I dont need their permission. I just hate that I have to share my kids with him and I won’t be around to intercede for them. They will be alone with this sometimes hateful man.

        • Sue says:

          As I read this you dpretty much escribed my life 100%
          Only we know what we are living with. They are professional minipulators making sure everyone thinks we are the crazy ones in the relationship. Mine could win an academy award for playing out husband of the year to every family member, neighbor and friend we have…always making us out to be unappreciative. But as soon as mine realizes someone has figured him all out they are put right on his hate list.
          Maybe we really are more nuts than them because we have taken this insanity for over 20 years.
          I really don’t know but at least I now know after finding this forum that I’m not alone.
          It is really sad to see how many of us are (silently) suffering 🙁 And our children do too
          Be strong! I hope you were able to end. Maybe you’ll be my inspiration if you haven’t yet believe me I understand how hard it is. Maybe I will wind up being yours. Over the past year and half his outbursts have been so out of control it’s humiliating, devestating and to be honest really really scary. I’ve had to call the police a couple of times 🙁

          • Tanisha says:

            It is 11:30 at night and I am sitting on my couch crying while he is sleeping in the other room. I typed in “I need help leaving” and this amazing website popped up. You are all so inspiring. I feel dumb and weak. I see exactly how unhealthy my marriage is to this narcissistic as* but I’m still here. I can write a novel on everything that is unhealthy about this relationship, how it effects me, and how it can impact our kids. But, I’m still hereI. I continue to try everything in my power to change someone I know has a slim chance of even budging. You know the part that’s really embarrassing. . .my Master’s is in Marriage and Family Counseling lol. I should have traded the degree for logic. My nights of crying usually end with me laughing at myself because my choices are just not ones I ever imagined I would make.

            I could say he needs help, but he seems to be the only one perfectly fine being just who he is. He can sleep at night because he has little to no regrets about any choices he’s made. I need the help. I am not okay with the choices I continue to make.

            Thank you. You all have no idea the strength you gave me tonight.

      • fancyincognito says:

        I wonder, how are you? Are you still separated from your narcissistic spouse? I want so badly to be able to permanently end mine. But I always get sucked back in. I’ve been in a deep depression for months and it’s. It getting better with medication, marriage counseling, individual counseling. I feel sick. I have absolutely no money. No family to help. And 3 kids to support. The abuse isn’t just towards me. My oldest two kids have suffered tremendously. I don’t know how to survive. Two of my kids aren’t his, his child he is treated in ways that I believe he will end up just like his father. The oldest two kids father isn’t in the picture. Sometimes I feel like the only way out for them & me is if I die. The only way I believe I will ever be able to leave him permanently is if I leave the state. But again, I have no means to survive.

        • Angela Carlisle says:

          I am currently in a similar situation. I am getting ready to leave my narcissist and he knows it so is making my life a living he’ll and doing anything he can to make it harder for me to leave (taking all the money out of the account, won’t watch kids so I can get my ducks in a row, etc)all while telling me to get out then. I too have 3 children and two are not his but he has been around since they were little. The youngest is ours 16 months. Before him I had my own house and worked and supported my family on my own. Now I have no job, a child too young to go to school, no home because we moved into a house he bought so it’s “his house” and no income. He will not help with watching the kids so I can work again or do any dropping off or picking up. I feel your pain, hopelessness, and lack of energy to be able to do anything. It’s overwhelming to the point that it’s easier to just do nothing. But you cant! Find the strength for your kids, take baby steps. The more baby steps you take the more empowered you feel. Make the decision that you won’t let him bait you into arguments and maintain self control it will drive him crazy. Let him threaten you and spew his nasty venom. Record him with your cell for use later if need be. Just reply calmly with yeah ok or don’t reply at all and don’t beat yourself up if you react just try harder the next time. I recently opened my own checking account he doesn’t know about. Took over my own phone line and went to the library to make a resume. Baby steps. The more little things you accomplish the better you will feel and motivated. You gotta start somewhere. We only have one life and your children deserve better. Xo

          • Anonymous says:

            That’s great advice. I’m about to make the big move. Only three more days.
            I’ve his baby that is almost 9 months and my other son that is now 14. I’ve been in and out of this toxic relationship for nearly 12 years.
            And I have finally worked it out. I now know what he is and I can’t do anything about it.
            I am dreading the day as he doesn’t know yet but also so excited. Can’t wait to have my own home and dress it up how I like it.
            I am lucky though as I kept hold of my job and I have been able to lend a whole lot of money from friends and family to get my own place for me and the kids.
            I wish you all the strength to jump straight in at the deep end and swim for your lives.
            No body has to put up or accept someone else taking away Someone else’s life.
            It is our life. We only have this and we can’t go back. Lots of love to you.. wish me luck💫 X*x

        • Angela says:

          I am currently in a similar situation. I am getting ready to leave my narcissist and he knows it so is making my life a living he’ll and doing anything he can to make it harder for me to leave (taking all the money out of the account, won’t watch kids so I can get my ducks in a row, etc)all while telling me to get out then. I too have 3 children and two are not his but he has been around since they were little. The youngest is ours 16 months. Before him I had my own house and worked and supported my family on my own. Now I have no job, a child too young to go to school, no home because we moved into a house he bought so it’s “his house” and no income. He will not help with watching the kids so I can work again or do any dropping off or picking up. I feel your pain, hopelessness, and lack of energy to be able to do anything. It’s overwhelming to the point that it’s easier to just do nothing. But you cant! Find the strength for your kids, take baby steps. The more baby steps you take the more empowered you feel. Make the decision that you won’t let him bait you into arguments and maintain self control it will drive him crazy. Let him threaten you and spew his nasty venom. Record him with your cell for use later if need be. Just reply calmly with yeah ok or don’t reply at all and don’t beat yourself up if you react just try harder the next time. I recently opened my own checking account he doesn’t know about. Took over my own phone line and went to the library to make a resume. Baby steps. The more little things you accomplish the better you will feel and motivated. You gotta start somewhere. We only have one life and your children deserve better. Xo

        • Richelle says:

          Oh honey I feel the same way how are you doing? I’m 6 years in two kids with him.. my older two have moved out.. or should I say he forced me to kick them out.. I’m not allowed to mention my older son or I’ll be breaking the promise I made not to speak about him.. my youngest from my first marraige is still with me and I fear he is miserable.. he told me last night when I tried to leave he was a bit excited and when I offered for him to maybe live with his dad or sister for the first time he said maybe my sister.. it broke my heart.. what am I doing to him by staying here.. my youngest two are his and they’re both autistic he won’t let me leave with them… I don’t know what to do..I’m scared to call the police cos he said he would fight and end up being aressted.. and do I want the children to see that… 😞

  3. Issabel says:

    Ive had 6 years too long putting up with N’s infantile psychotic rages.

    My co-dependncy and focus of making/doing evrything for N has run it abusive course. Im over it. The tip in your article reffering to reasons to end the relationship with my fault and inferiority statements, is advice I will use to cross that bridge (with the ogre N under it) when I come to it..and when I cross that bridge, I’ll be burning it and will have no contact ever again..and to acknowledge anything from it would be acknowledging their existence.

    N has been a tumour in my life..and its time to cut that f%&#ing tumour out!!!

    • Daniella says:

      Isabel, I am feeling that same way right now. I have only been with my N for a year, but I knew him most of my life. (no I didn’t really know him though) He is a total monster. I honestly can say that once I cross that bridge I will never even acknowledge him in any way. He has messed up my life my head my feelings he has pushed me to a point that I am beginning to throw and break my own things. He is always rambling on how I don’t have his back and how I lie and how I talk about him to everyone. These statements he makes are not true, so every time I try and defend myself and reassure him he cuts me off never lets me finish a sentence then goes the calling me w***e b***h and every name you van think of. Telling me how I am a piece of s**t, don’t deserve anything just running me emotionally into the ground to the point I am losing my esteem more and more each minute I am around him. Did I mention he hasn’t had a job either the whole time? I work and don’t make the greatest money but I am not only raising a son as as single mother, but another adult. Food cigs, you name it he hasn’t paid for anything thus far and I don’t believe he’s even filled out a single app for a job. What should I do. And last he wanted to use my car told me I was selfish and he should be able to use my car whenever because any good person would just do thast….

      • Tanya Smith says:

        Omg. Your story sounds just like mine. My husband barely works. I work full time do all the cleaning and cooking no help while he does nothing. Then he yells at me every time I walk in the same room as him to come rub his back or scratch his back. I’m so sick of hearing it. I refuse to do it anymore so he immediately starts calling me names. Telling me how stupid I am. Like if I would have rubbed his back he would be saying baby and honey. He is so full of s**t. The only reason I haven’t left is because we live in my house and he refuses to go. I am seriously thinking about letting the bank have the house and go somewhere else with my daughter. ( not his). Thank god we don’t have any kids together. But I figure my sanity should be worth more than a house. I just need a push I guess. I mean I have lived in my house for 22 years and have been with him 8. I have an attachment to my house. Not to him.

        • Co Shells says:

          I did 30 years. No he doesn’t want to leave…he has it made. All he has to do is make you feel like crap about yourself and you shut up and shut down and he wins another reprieve. Pack him up and set gis stuff outside. Or better yet in his car. Change the locks right before that. Be a damn person!!! It took me a year of being completely shut off from him to get my head straight. Oh man the things I can tell you about the tantrums they pull when you escape lol the low and dirty tricks they play. The friends and family that turn on you because you don’t know yet that he has already turned them against you. I don’t care. Its so worth it to wake up content each morning. 30 years of bot being a person and now I am. Best feeling in the world….

          • DeVanne says:

            Wow… thank you for your honesty. I’ve been in for about 12 years….3 beautiful kids….ive tried to leave many times…even left a few….always back to him….thought i was going insane because I would turn into this evil person that was just as evil as he. I would loose it. Some of the nasty, disgusting, vile things they can say…in front of our kids no less! He lives with me now…and i have turned to sheer faith that i can get through…ive waited so long to leave…I thought it wasn’t worth all the craziness, drama, fear, uncertainty. I can feel that “free” feeling…I can just barely feel it but it is there…please prey for the best of our kids….not his needs…thanks again!

    • J.B. says:

      I hear you. I’m dealing with a crazy narc husband. I’m so exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. Enough is enough! He threatens to kill me or hurt me all the time whenever I try to talk things out with him because he says he just wants me to shut the f### up! I’ve been abused in every single way by this man and while I was pregnant with our child. He is a monster! I can’t believe I endured 10 years of this mess but now that I have a clearer picture of what his behavior is I know how to deal with it better. And my way out comes, I’m NEVER looking back. My children and I have been through enough!

      • larinda sharp says:

        I have been with an N going on ten years now. ALWAYS leaving him just to be sucked right back in. I will say though that the last time I left he changed a lot and is far from the abusive a*s he used to be but tendencies are still there like being manipulative and mean with his words. He and I could be a great team but the way he acts towards my daughter can be intolerable.she is two and he says things you shouldn’t say to a toddler.now on one hand cussing and such is in his blood.who he is.on the other hand I know what I just said is enabling the situation. I’ve told him to leave before and we argued and of course I lost. He can be the worlds best dad. Tries to teach her about life and how to do things. Romps around on the floor with her but I don’t even feel in live anymore. I tell myself it’s because of how many years we have been together.that I’m just getting old (I’m 26) but at the same time I tell myself I need to feel loved and in love…such a confusing life.

        • Mary J says:

          Oh Larissa you sound like you are talking about me and my hubby. 13 yrs we are together and we have 3 small beautiful boys that he is like Jekyll and hyde with them and me! They love him to bits. He has my confidence and self esteem at rock bottom. I dont sleep and I have panic attacks. Ive asked him to leave so many times but he refuses and makes a drama with the kids. Im not asking anymore. Im just planning my exit with kids. His father is a narcissist and he and his brother and sister are just the same. I can no longer expect to fix him I just want to spare our boys from the same fate and future!

          • jaxs says:

            I have been with my husband 16 years and about a year ago he actually went to police saying me and our 16 year old son tried to poison him they sent him to a mental hospital for a week and police said i had to let him back in he still says he believes it he makes comments about everyone we know he even thinks his parents against him i have two kids no money and no way out i dont know what to do???

          • Helen says:

            Mary you are telling my story, only I have been married for 20. Every time I have tried to leave my family has talked me into staying, digging in and trying harder. I have shelf full of books on marriage and bible studies. I’ve even gone to marriage conferences on my own. Of course now that im filing he wants to try to be better but there is just nothing left in me. He degrades me and calls me names infront of the kids evetytime he gets mad…even though he is supposed to be better. His mom left his dad after 26 years for the same reasons. I should have paid more attention to her story. Hopefully I can break this generational curse with my son. I just hate to have to share my kids with him…

        • Robin says:

          Larinda,
          I know this reply is late. I hope you got away from him. You are so so young and have a chance for a good life. I stayed for 30 years 4 kids, so many issues. I feel like a fool, but I only recently learned what all this is. If you haven’t left this relationship,it will be nothing more than life sucking, with moments of “sanity” that will leave you confused. Also a terrible example for your daughter as I feel mine will have issues in the future for sure. Also get good counseling for yourself so you don’t pick any kind of dysfunctional again. Go while you still have a bright future ahead. Best of luck to you!

  4. Kate says:

    I was with a narcissist for 4 1/2 years. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into as he prior to going into a relationship was a friend. I knew he had a bad history with being rebellious but as a friend he treated me with so much respect. But first came all the lies with him using drugs. I seen the difference in his personality. I questioned him, then he turned it onto me and use to say I was the crazy one. When prior to being in a relationship with him. I led such a humble life. I was in a career helping others and studied natural medicine. I gave them both up as they were completely sabotaged with the relationship. I ended up getting a job in fashion where I was so incrediabley unhappy, but pushed myself through it. Because the abuse on all levels was so so bad. This diminished my confidence and self esteem, that when I left him, I would always go back. It became an addiction. I then developed a co-dependency on him because I ended up feeling he was all I had. This went on for 4 years. I lost so much and got myself into so much financial debt. It was a merry go round. I was blamed for everything and that got so bad, that I started to blame myself. People use to give up on me as they would tell me to just leave, but little did they understand just how difficult this was. When I did leave, he would follow me and beg for me back and promise me the world, promise he would change etc. You name it, I had it all. I lost pregnancies, which I see was a major blessing but at the time was so so hard. Anyhow, 4 years later, I managed to pack my bags up and whilst he was at work, leave! With one pay cheque, I spent it all on a bond and rent for a couple of weeks and took a leap of faith that where I was moving to was safe. And it was. It was the best move I have ever made. 6 months later, things are turning around. I ended up applying for my dream job which I received. I have so much independence back, have slowly paid off my debts and are re-gaining my life again. He does still try to work things out with me and tries to contact me. He still continues to lie to all of his family and friends about me, however this is no longer an issue to me. I am free and detached and I know and trust, he will be completely out of my life soon. It’s been such a difficult journey. It has turned me into such a strong, wise woman with more wisdom you can dream of achieving and for that I am grateful.

    • Carrie Lynch says:

      This was my life verbatim. I lost 2 pregnancies during my time as well. I managed to save some money and now I’m getting my own place 2 states away where I can be with NY family again well away from him…Finally. I’m excited and already feeling relieved. 🙂

  5. confused says:

    This has helped me so much I’ve been in so much pain buy this lighted a lot for me thanks to whomever wrote this! !

  6. Cynthia says:

    Good advice, thank you.
    However I’ve been with him for 20 years and have 3 children together…any suggestions on how to handle that?

    • Robbin says:

      Ha!! I have been married 20 years and have 2 children, minimal savings, no vehicle and will have to sell my home! Best of all I am 50!!!! I don’t give a d$@, I’m out….28 years total is all the time anyone should spend in this type of relationship!!!

      Look forward… be positive – think how great it will be once you are FREE and take your power back…get YOU back. Your kids will be proudest of you!!! Be well.

    • cordazul says:

      I think you are the expert on that and survivor! Please share!

  7. Confused and hurt says:

    I’ve been with him for 2 1/2 years and it was all magical when it started, I mean swept me off my feet. Tooooooo good 2 be true. Like this an smelled good, looked good, dressed nice, had all this stuff going; yessssssssssssssssssssssss I hot the jackpot ( at least I thought)
    Well 2 month in I begin to notice a shift with the accusations, name calling, degrading but at this point I was in love and I would just cry and plead my case,and nope I wasn’t dong anything wrong.. the day before my birthday he sent me a text saying he needed space and he wanted to end it. me being upset and loosing my mind I started calling (no answer) texting ( no reply) it was awful………. so yep he reeled me back in and then I begin to question certain things in my head , doing searches with his name trying to find out more because something just wasn’t right…. I couldn’t go to his house (never invited) , he would come to y house late and leave around 5am talking bout he had to get homes before his mom trip and his boys wake up …. hmmmmmmm I thought
    well this back and fourth breaking up keep going and going then I found out he was married !!!!!! Jesus take the wheel I knew it……. he was living a double life but I was in love and couldn’t leave. e still trying to make it work I became depressed, lonely, my self esteem was zero, I thought y world was ending the thought of being without him. I eventually had to see a shrink , put on meds , left but I ended up right back ….now I feel stuck and don’t know how to leave it hurts soooooo bad ..

    • C says:

      I know how you feel. I’m in the same boat as you! I’m in the process of seeing a therapist but at the same time still messing with him. I will say it’s different now, I don’t believe his lies anymore, sex is different, he tries to swindle me out of money and know he will never change. He’s really crazy and if you try to leave, he does crazy things to make you stay or give in. The N’s are very dangerous!!!

  8. Annie says:

    This post has helped me to understand just what a narcissistic is .
    I didn’t even know that these types of people actually exist .
    I have been with my narcisstic partner for 5 years but it seems like a lifetime .
    I found out a year ago that he cheated on me with his ex whilst I was 5 months pregnant . She told me !
    He told me at the time that he had no feelings for her and that they were only in contact because of their children .
    As far as I am concerned he had an emotional affair for at least 2 years of our relationship with her ( without me knowing).

    • Noel says:

      Similar situation Annie. Being with her for almost ten years. Swept of my at the start. After that I thought she had some sort of bipolar / split personality but stuck by her. Had heard from friends that she had been coming onto men and sometimes woman. When approached full denial and how dare I don’t trust her. She is so self righteous. Has to be seen as really kind person . People pleaser.while her rage , temper is rarely seen outside the house. Caught her recently ringing her ex. Asked her can u explain she denayed it . Showed her the phone bill. Eventually said she had a dream that he had died in a car crash and was ringing to see if he was alive. F*****g hell did you ever, she must think I fell of a Christmas tree 🙂 she also has been pm n her 2nd husband on facebook which he hasn’t replied. Her first husband and her devorced . Caught her ringing him in the past because his new wife had rang the house asking who was ringing from this number. Subsequently found out that these men had went through similar things to which I’m having now . But luckily moved on and have found happiness in there lives. The narcississt will move on to a new victim after me . They draw you in emotionally but it’s a false love. It’s all about them. Hope u find the resolve to move on. It’s tough, I’m only beginning the road. But it’s a must for ones own contentment and sanity.

    • Gordana Turda says:

      Same here. I feel exhausted emotionally. My current guy stops me from seeing my friends and family. He wants to control everything. I can’t breathe any more.

      • Mia Ayres says:

        I have left what I think is a narcissist, he is being so nice to me but at the same time he is talking to other women on a dating website. I am feeling like I didn’t exist. I need to stop this feeling. Help.

  9. Noel says:

    So glad I found this site. After being with her for ten years.the start was whao were has this woman been all my life. She had got her fangs into me emotionally (as I know now) confidence eventually drained, friends gradually lost. Tried to isolate me from my family. Think she senses I’m starting to get a lot emotionally stronger. And the I love you so much line has appeared. After reading this and other posts about living with and leaving a narcississt I’m ready . 2 of her former husbands went through the same . Talked to me about how she would never forget there faces when she told them she was leaving . Seemed to get off on it that’s the supreme being she thinks she is . Thankfully I’m aware and am getting away from this deceitful pathological liar . Funny I felt a bit uncomfortable writing that last part. guess that’s were they get you. Alas I’m aware and ready for the oncoming slander which she said about her exs which I know are decent men who have moved on thanks again

  10. Lynne says:

    I’m in Australia. I’m so broken hearted to have my husband of 4 years agree with me when I said his Club and mates and beer come first. He said I have always been like this. Three other women tried to change me and it won’t happen. He has 7 children from these relationships, none with me ( thank god ) he has sucked the life out of me. I had no idea such cold hearted self centred people existed. He was charming, funny, generous and I fell in love. Over time he has made me feel worthless and when I complain about how he has his way in everything, even what we watch on TV he usually ends up telling me I’m a nut case. No wonder I’m depressed. I am just trying to get him out of my life now with as little abuse as possible. I want my self esteem and peace back. Good luck to all the other poor people with these monsters in their lives

  11. deepak says:

    Hi,

    This possibly is the exact description and solution to what has been tormenting me. I am happy to have read this article. No contact seems to be the Mantra. It is indeed very difficult but i guess that’s the only way out. meditation i must confess, works like magic. I’m doing it daily. While im not yet out of the woods i’m definitely on my way.

  12. darren says:

    I’ve just spent 6 months with a woman who I finally found out was a narcasist. It took 4 counselors and 9 other people to finally convince me this girl is screwed up from childhood and a divorce 6 years ago. Things went bad for us one month after we met and have been getting worse everyday. It is always about her and what she needs, even to the point of her spending time with other men almost everyday “exercising for her big trialthalon event coming up”. It gets old. She doesn’t even have the time to go for a walk with me at the end of the day to spend some time together not being glued to a cell phone, facebook, or the tv….I am heartbroken beyond belief but hopefully GOD will find someone new for me when I am ready to date again…good luck to you all…

  13. Rosalie says:

    Im on day 5 of NC with my narc, ex-husband,and this website has kept me strong. I’ve let him control/ruin my life for the past 15 years. When I first met him, I was going through a divorce, and he was my lawyer. He told me he was also going through a divorce also. He was charming, intelligent, good-looking and smooth. We began to date, he swept me off my feet, and I fell head over heels.

    This was short-lived. Next, 7 years of triangulation with me and his ex-wife. Felt like we were fighting for him (the prize). He’d go to her house to pick up the kids, and sometimes not return for hours. (She made sure to call me and let me know they were having sex) One morning he called me and said if I come down to the courthouse, we can get married (romantic, huh?), and I the fool, gladly went. As soon as we said “I do” he left me standing there and took off to pick up his kids for the summer. (I found out his ex wouldn’t let him have his kids around me unless we were married.) He slept with her that same day, got home late, and the fights began. He threatened to annul our marriage if I didn’t behave in front of his kids. He said I was crazy and had anger issues. This was our wedding day.

    The cheating went on and on. His ex, his secretary, and others. Every time somehow was my fault. He would pack his toiletry bag and disappear for days-weeks. The silent treatment was one of his favorite punishments. It caused me intense, irrational anxiety, and the only cure for that fear was his return/acceptance.

    He got awestruck by a new female attorney, went all out trying to impress her, and moved out to live with her. When I called to tell her that he was still married, she threatened to call the cops if I ever contacted her again. He had convinced her that I was crazy. Months later after disappearing, he broke into my house at 3am crying that he wanted to come home. He stated that he was so confused. He said “I can’t feel love for anyone.”

    A month later, he filed for divorce from me and left for wife 3. She had gotten pregnant, and they married. He kept text me saying how much he missed me, and how the sex with her was no good (all lies) We had sex a few more times. I finally had the strength to go NC, and moved on with my life. Actually met a nice guy and was happy.

    Then 2yrs ago, he came back. In full force. He had divorced wife #3. (I later found out he was cheating on her with someone else). He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me. He did everything right. Swore he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Brought me on expensive trips, left gifts on my doorstep, romantic dinners, turned his phone off when we were together. He had changed and he proved it. It was amazing. It lasted 4 months.

    Then the hell began. Slowly, but steadily. The secretive texts, the disappearing, the criticizing…He flirted openly with his 3rd ex wife (she must still be hanging on too) on the phone in front of me. If I made any comment, he would accuse me of having anger issues and disappear. He flirted openly with flight attendants and gave one his phone number while I was sitting right next to him. They began texting each other while we were still on the flight. My self esteem continued to plummet.

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago, and reached out to him. Huge mistake. He went to one Dr appt with me, and spent the entire time on his cell phone texting. He actually took a picture of me on the exam table and sent it to his friends with a comment “waiting on some girl-on-girl action”. He made fun of my hair falling out, and gave me no empathy/support at all. Then he disappeared. I was on my own.

    But he won’t leave me alone for good. He texts. He misses me. blahblahblah. Each time I take him back, the honeymoon phase is shorter and less intense. A few days ago, he asked me to do a road trip with him for a couple days. He spent the 20 hours sexting some girl, and then flirting over the phone with another. I had a chance to read his texts. He was juggling at least 3 girls. He was so lazy/crafty he actually sent the same text “missing you” and “I want you now” to all of us at the same time. What a web of lies he weaves. One more minute around him, and I will completely lose my sanity. Thank goodness for this site, and the NC advise.

    P.S.
    The cell phone is his life. He uses it to organize and puppeteer multiple girls all in various stages of honeymoon, devalue and discard. The phone is always in his hands or locked. It is his life source.

    Holidays, birthdays and vacations are horrible nightmares. He will pick a fight prior to a holiday/birthday and disappear until days later. Sometimes he will just disappear. He will never celebrate your birthday. Its not about him.
    Vacations are his time to completely ignore you. This is his time to be sexting on his phone as you sit there like a prisoner with no escape.

    They will drain you emotionally, physically, spiritually and will never stop until you are nothing but a shell of a person that used to be. They will not give you closure. You try to get over them, all the while knowing they will be back. Somehow, this anticipation is exciting, and you find yourself looking forward to the reunion.

    For some reason, this emotional roller coaster is addictive and the sex is great.

    • C says:

      OMG the last part of your story is sooooo dead on it! The emotional roller coaster is addictive and sex is great!!! Now that I’m seeing a therapist, the sex is starting not to be that great and I’m slowly getting off the emotional roller coaster. I’m not completely off but slowly I’m getting off. Making small progress.

  14. Valarie says:

    I have been married to a N for 35 yrs we have 5 children who are all adults now.
    I never knew what narcissit was or never heard of it.
    Until I started looking on line for help.
    My husband has admitted to being unfaithful to me for the entire 35 years of our marriage with multipy parterners ,He only admitted becacsue he got caught and I threaten to leave, He claims he cant live without me and not be able to face his kids after we tell them.
    He said he would even take a polygraph to prove he is telling me everthing. He took 2 test and failed both. He claims he just cant pass the polygraphs because he is sooooo nerves. The Polygrapher said he is lying…. nerves have nothing to do with it.
    I want to leave but I am afraid I feel stuck, like if I leave how do I unravil 35 years of marriage. and he will go on with someone else and probably be very happy.. She will of course get the same results I did.
    I am hurt and confused. This was suppose to be a time of empy nest, time for us.. and now I have to go on alone. without a companion.
    through the years he was verbally abusive. at times but oh…. so very well mannerd, always opened the doors for me and said thank you for the things I did . very mild mannered in front of people. but very selfish . I honestly never knew he was having affirs throughout our 35 yr marrige.
    I am afraid to leave, I feel lost, like I am losing my best friend.. why do I feel like that after what he has done.
    He said he will get counceling. but the polygraph showed he failed when asked if he went out and had sex during this restoration period we are in. He claims that is NOT true the polygraph is wrong. Please Help…

    • C says:

      Get some professional help to go over your husband. Even when you get the help, you still feel that you’re going to be stuck and not way out. You have created a hell for yourself dealing with his N ways. If you seek professional help and a good therapist you can trust, you will be alright. It may take years for you to come out of this funk but it will happen and you will feel so good about yourself and life in general. Good luck!!! Please seek professional help.

    • Robin says:

      Valerie,Same situation. except he swears he has never had an affair. Although flirted with other women in front of me until I threatened to embarrass him to death next time, so that has stopped . I have been in counseling for 7 years, he started 7 mos ago and I see big changes, still see tendencies though. I do think his damaged self loves me. Honestly now that he is changing for the good I see that I am so damaged due to all the years with him that I am numb, have zero desire for sex, which I am waiting for that to be a huge issue because he can only go so long without it. I have no desire to trust him or anyone for that matter. I am dropping friends left and right because I have no desire to have any relationships at all. I thought if he ever changed it would be great, but now I realize I am so damaged there is nothing left of me. I feel beyond stuck. It is a shame, we have money to travel and do what we want, but I can hardly get any errands done, and just want to be alone. I pray very hard that God will help me. I hate this life I have ended up with.

  15. Suhana says:

    i celebrated his birthday in a very special way with all my time, energy n money….and wen my bday came ( i was on long leave )..he obviosly dint remember..but when got to know on office email he sent me a plain text happy birthday…lets plan ur bday party once u come from leave…he dint even take d effort to give me a call ( i now realise he used to call me only wen he needed something or wen he wanted to gossip abt someone)…just 1 dry text on my bday..wen i came from leave..again silent treatment ..not even a single ques of how was ur bday , wat did u do…lets celebrate ur bday….nothing at all…the shameless creature dint even think that this girl did so much for my bday..spent so much time, money to make me feel special..n cant i even reciprocate it in a basic way…
    i dont want expensive gifts or a celebration…even a genuine wish wud suffice…but no..these losers can never GIVE anyone anything…coz they r so empty, hollow inside….his cold n silent treatment continues..bad thing is we work at same place we come across each other…but he doesnt acknowledge me…reason wen asked..says nothing…all is normal…only a mental person can call abnormal things as normal…
    coz normal humans communicate, empathise, care for each other, support, talk, fight, celebrate..be there for each other…
    but these narcs are inhuman…
    may god do some magic n make them humans …
    may god give strength to all victims to stand strong and move on fast in life..

  16. Fallen Angel says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years & have finally made the decision to leave. When i met him I wasn’t in a great place in life & honestly thought God brought him into my life to help me. He was amazing, or so I thought. He knew the Bible inside and out & I almost envied the relationship I now know is extremely fake with God he displayed. I don’t think it was even a month or two into our relationship & somehow he had moved himself in. He is a charmer & I just “went with the flow”. Not one person in my life has liked him & I never understood why they were so ” jealous” of him & I, as he always told me it was jealousy my friends & family were showing not concern for me. Within 3 months of us dating I was in hell. He was verbally & emotionally abusive. A handful of times even physical. He’d do the crazy things to convince me I was losing my mind. For example, move something in the house & keep telling me I had moved it & he was “concerned with my brain, that I wasn’t remembering anything correctly”. He’s so cold and hurtful. He’ll say or do something that will crush me & absolutely break my heart. Then, as I’m crying, barely breathing from all the sobbing, he will make it all about him. I’ll try to explain what’s wrong, how I’m hurting, whatever & my feelings just do not matter. Just a couple days ago I was crying horribly & went into the bathroom so my kids wouldn’t see me & he followed me in just to continue to verbally & emotionally abuse me. Then, completely disregarding me, he made up this story that I was only in the bathroom bc he’s ugly & kept saying ” do you care how much I’m hurting that you called me ugly?” Which I absolutely did not. Ever! But he never acknowledges me or my pain. He must always say well I’m hurting or something. Then he’ll leave (thank God he does not live with me for the past year) & either ignore me, send texts putting me down & only focused on his “hurt” & “mistreatment” by me or a little of both! I am trying no contact for the first time bc he always sucks me back in no matter how determined I would be to stay away. He cheats, lies, says HORRIBLE things about me to people who know us both (he told my gf that I was such a disgusting pig that anyone across a room from me could smell my lady parts…only the word he used was filthy & I won’t repeat it!). She confronted him on this specific time in front of me & he went back & forth from she was lying to he was just mad at me & if I loved him & God, I’d forgive him & understand. Even our pastor, he would belittle me in front of our pastor & church members. Saying things like I’m a real Christian bc I forgive people unlike some & then would look at me. I almost left church I was so humiliated. Thankfully it didn’t take long for my pastor to figure him out! I’ve lost everything, quite literally, being with this “man”. I just moved into a place he found for me, of course, and I’m miserable. I have no furniture, no TV, barely any clothing (BC the clothes I had “screamed w***e” & “I’m too fat for them all”. My clothing has never been revealing. I wear sometimes men’s jeans shorts that are knee length & he puts me down even in those! I’m almost always in a size or two larger t-shirts but even those he finds fault. I was drugged & raped during our relationship & he reminds me almost daily that I’m a w***e for letting it happen & he considers it cheating BC he’s ” sure” I wanted it. I told him I cried for him, he was out running the streets with his pot head friends at the time, and he says “I wouldn’t have stopped it. I’d think you wanted it to happen so I’m not gonna stop you”. He also tells pretty much anyone that I was ” so-called rape” & “unfaithful”. I’m praying I make it out safe bc he has stalked me MANY times & he simply breaks in my home every time he wants to come over 🙁 He was arrested earlier this year bc I had left him & ignored him for 2 or 3 days & he broke in while I was asleep & cuddled right up in bed with me. Unfortunately the felony breaking & entering was completely dropped. I’m scared he’s going to eventually take things to far when he realises I’m really leaving. He always reminds me he has ” thug friends with guns who has his back for anything ” & the past week or two he keeps hinting at domestic violence. Pretending to want to smack me, telling me I’m in for a wake up after we are married & I can’t divorce or leave, saying I’m definitely going to be the one he snaps on… The cops are a joke & haven’t helped at all. About a year ago he put my head through a glass window on the second story bc I had his wallet in my hand! I’m scared he’s not going to let me go. However, I’m more scared to stay. I’ve always had a strong faith & belief in God & even with postpartum depression I couldn’t kill myself bc I believe I’d go straight to hell. The past few months I’ve tried numerous times to kill myself bc I feel hell couldn’t be worse than this.. I could go on but I’ll end this here & I just want to say: Please, if anything, the smallest thing, feels off & your gut feeling is telling you something, GET HELP. Don’t let him or her destroy you. And they will. I’m not sure I’ll ever be “normal” me again but whatever happens I know the further away I am from him, the better off my children & I will be! Your friends & family love you. They are NOT jealous. Listen to them!! Please keep us in your prayers!

    • Lena says:

      I totally understand you. Same exact here. My ex husband narc also a strong theological religious believer. Used the Bible to get his way. I’m just happy I’m free. This website totally reminded me why I left. And reassures me I’m not crazy and did the right thing. Hold on. Fallen but not destroyed completely. As long as we have breath we still have a chance for redemption. Jesus loves us and I’m so thankful there’s a God Who knows the truth.

    • A.G. says:

      I know how you are feeling. I left the N almost a month ago. I’ve been with him for a little over a year and am currently 13 weeks pregnant with his child. The day i left, he had his son manipulate me into talking to him again. He’s cheated, lied, and been abusive (physically, mentally,emotionally,verbally). I want to completely end this relationship and believe it’s best if the child I’m carrying doesn’t have any contact with him. But, I’m afraid as to what he’ll do if I cut off contact with him.

  17. Thanks for all your input. Still not out of this madness after 5 years of trying..hard medicine to take…yeah. But finally understand it is vital!! He doesn’t know what normal rational people do…not fighting anymore just going with the flow..thankyou..Malignant self Love for keeping me sane!! Against the odds…lol 😅

  18. cordazul says:

    Good advice.
    I went through the recovery phase and am over it. However, it is still taking a long time to cut the virtual contact. It seems to pitter out gradually as I employ all sorts of techniques to go no contact (without evoking narc rage). Compassion towards yourself and compassion to towards the perfect one is the key I would say.

  19. Marina Alexia says:

    I was in love with my ex narc. Everyone loved him. I truly believed he was my soul mate I really did, he even proclaimed he was mine. It was the most intense connection I had ever felt and Most of the time everything felt right, he seemed normal. But the lack of empathy and remorse was evident, through out. The I idealization, devaluing and discard cycle happened dozens of times. I endured 6 on and off years of being cheated on, lied to, love bombed devalued, abandoned and he would return again and again making sure I couldn’t move on. Finally after a year or more of no contact( took me leaving state) I feel he is gone physically forever. However my mentally and emotionally I’m still broken. My soul aches. I have trouble cutting ties with his family and our mutual friends still. Part of me has not disconnected completely and though I’ve tried and tried. It should bother me but It leaves me with heavy heart that he met someone new and is sharing is life with her, and she gets the best of him, for now… surely giving her what he promised me in an almost sacrilege way. I guess my mind still cannot fathom none of it was real. It baffles me that there was no wake up call for him, how he never could realize what he had, why he didn’t fight for me, and how he is so unaffected. But here I am still grieving in the cold mundane empty aftermath still picking up the peices.

    • Lena says:

      Marina,
      I was married to the love of my life 14 years. I only found out 2 years ago what narcissist is. I’m also extremely sad and in sorrow for what we could have had. And that all of it wasn’t real. A fantasy. I’m just blessed with two amazing daughters. Divorced 5 months now 10 alone. Blessed with a good job and plugged in church. But now I’m dealing with codependency. I was addicted to pleasing him and living for him. Now I need to live different and it will take time. I’m super lonely on the weekends he has the girls. But each time I see him. I’m still addicted to him and I have some crazy withdrawals like an addict to stop myself from wanting him. Yet his actions and hurtful words and blame remind me I don’t ever want to go back. Sooo sad. From day 1 of our marriage to the last he made me suffer countless ways. My fault was that I married a man I didn’t know and didn’t leave him sooner. I’m free and happy. Yet lonely and sorrowful. God bless

  20. Becky says:

    I don’t even know what to think right now. I have suspected my boyfriend is narcissist but now I’m almost sure. I’m heartbroken. We have so much in common and I’m in love with the idea of what we could have. If only he could love me like I love him. Why do I have to beg for affection? Why is it so hard to compliment a girl once in a while? How much do you expect me to take? Screaming questions with no reply but a cold stare. Why on earth am I in love with this man? This is not me. I’m a strong, confident, smart woman. Well, I was. Now I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m always so nervous and anxious. I’m so negative now days. What’s happening to me? I have to kick him out but I know he has no where to go. And I will miss him. I don’t know why? He gives me nothing back. Nothing. I’m mind f****d. I’m emotionally f****d. I wish he would just die in an accident so this can all end, with no going back. How could I say such horrible things. All I want is to be loved and in love. I need it and he can’t give it to me. Or he won’t. I can’t tell yet. I wonder how much more I can take. I wonder when it will end. Will it end? I want it to yet I can’t imagine him gone. I can clearly see what a mess I’m in yet feel powerless to change it.
    I need to be loved.

    • Sissy says:

      I have been married to a N for 25 years – I feel exactly like this. I’m going into week 4 of what I have decided is our final silent treatment. I live in my bedroom while I’m saving to move out. I’ve decided I’m leaving and it terrifies me. What terrifies me more is staying. My hope is once I get out I’ll find “Me” again. I am here to tell you that you deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. These people are incapable of even understanding that they’ve hurt you. They could never admit they’ve done something wrong and they truly believe someone else is to blame. You can’t convince these people that all that you’ve done & compromised should’ve earned their favor. They aren’t wired like we are and can’t possibly think like we do and the sad fact is no matter what we try it will never change. Period! Please don’t spend 25 years trying to be good enough. Big hugs to you.

      • Carol schmitz says:

        Handed my narssitic husband of 38 years separation papers. He has now seen his lawyer and he oromises when he is done I will have a nervous breakdown. We are still living in the same house with our oldest son. Im living in my bedroom after work. My son is downstairs. Even tough my narc has a girlfriend he thinks I derserve nothing. Everything everyone says its exactly true with mine. One son who is a phych nurse says ive been mentally abuse my whole life get out mom. Ive had enough. Want to be happy again.just waiting for this to go through do I csn be free. My own mental breakdown this summer opened my eyes. My husband has cut off all ties to everyone who loved him. I wish his new formally abused women much luck. At least I will be free.

    • Rosalie says:

      Im sorry for what you’re going through. You’re right. They mind f**k you and emotionally f**k you. For some reason, we feel desperate to win their love. This is unattainable. For anyone. They have no love to give. I frequently check the newspapers re; car crashes/deaths, secretly hoping he will just die. Then I know I can move on.

  21. Sharon says:

    I have been in a relationship with a man I have finally realised is a narcissist. I have tried to leave him 4 times only to be sucked in by his promises. We have had a roller coaster relationship which has affected my self-esteem and self confidence. I am getting ready to leave him. Now that my eyes have been opened I can see all the signs quite clearly. He is intelligent and witty and to start with I thought my dream man. The realisation that it is all just a fake story is heartbreaking. I can’t believe that I was so badly duped. I have been imagining myself leaving him for the past 18 months. How I would do it, what I would need and now, when I would do it. It fills me with trepidation and exhilaration. I need to do this. I need to do this for me.

    • Laura says:

      I hope you are able to move on Sharon hope you have a bright future. Life to short to stay with a loser that will do nothing but bring u down.

  22. Sharon says:

    Further to my previous comment, last night my decision was validated. Won’t go into detail but suffice to say his needs were met and mine were not, with not a word said. No point in saying anything as it will just be manipulated. Done deal.

  23. Kristen says:

    I’ve been in a relationship (if you can call it that) for 6 years and until a year or so ago, I was blind to it all. I actually believed I was the problem, that maybe I WAS crazy and everything he said about me was true!! I’ve tried to cut him out several times but because we have a daughter together, he seems to sneak back in and knows how to manipulate the situation. He is also a heavy smoker and alcoholic but refuses to believe or acknowledge he has a problem. The fact he has always been a excessive drinker and way before I came into the picture, seems to evade his memory. He says I have made him drink from my “bipolar” and craziness! A perpetual liar and egotistically cruel man, more information has come to hand that makes me cringe and feel like such a fool and has cemented in my gut and mind that this will be the last time he is in my life! In no way have I ever or will I ever keep his daughter from him and that will be the only reason for contact, other than that, it will be complete lock out of my life….I just literally cannot take anymore and I need to be the mum my daughter deserves and the woman I deserve.

  24. Shirl says:

    I am so hopeful that my npd husband of 36 years proves through dna to be the father of another womans child. I will have a legal reason to leave. I have tried to divorse him 3 times and each time he conned the lawyers or the guy serving the papers. I am depressed, suicidal. I am beginning to hate him intensley. He must have a goodnight kiss. I must cook dinner and if he says we go out, I better dress up. He spoils my adult daughter and sees her daily but ignores our adult son. My heart is broken. I am so close to giving up cos the dont – believe me I tried!

  25. Jillybn says:

    I recently have been looking up behaviour issues trying to figure out why my boyfriend whom I have been with for 2 1/2 years is making my life a complete hell. I am 54 years old and I finally have made my decision to kick him out.
    I don’t know what happened but over time he slowly took away my self esteem and self worth. He too swept me off my feet with his handsome smile and attentive ways but over time he ended up stripping me of everything I had within me. Slowly isolating me from my family and friends, I can’t do anything right, I can’t say anything right…nothing I do is good enough.
    To him what mine is ours and what his is his. I work full time and he works part time as a painter so when he’s not working I support us and when he gets a job he gets worse, picks fights so he can go to the track and spend all his money…then when he runs out he expects me to pick up the pieces.
    Yesterday was my birthday and in the morning he picked another fight and I said “can you just lay off me one day so I can have a peaceful birthday”. This made him angry and so he took off and didn’t come home until the middle of the night.
    This morning I told him that I had had enough and I wanted him to leave (I own the house we live in) and he got dressed today and took off. I won’t see him again for another few days as he has done this many times before. If I stand up to him he will pack his toiletry bag and leave hoping I’ll beg for him to come home. But this time is different…I don’t care. I think after what he did on my birthday was the final straw.
    My friends and family don’t understand why I stay with him, I don’t either but now when he’s gone I enjoy the peace when he’s not around. I don’t get to talk, he does all the talking about how great of a person he is and I’m so sick of it. He has nothing to offer me such as moral support, financial support or happiness.
    He has destroyed my self confidence and anything important in my life and the more research I have done on narcissistic people the more I know he will never change.
    The longer we waste time on these people the less time we will have to find that special person waiting for us. The sad part is that these people will find another kind soul and ruin their lives….it’s a crime
    Bless you all and keep strong on finding your path to happiness…x*x

    • Rosalie says:

      Whats with the toiletry bag? Seriously, I remember jumping out of bed in the mornings after he’d leave for work to see if his toiletry bag was still there, or gone. If it was gone, I knew he wasn’t coming home for awhile, and my anxiety and sadness were almost unbearable. If it was still there, I’d be a little surprised, and Id be so happy. It didn’t matter what kind of night we had just had- wonderful lovemaking, or just average- you never ever knew if that toiletry bag would be there or not.

      • Carrie Lynch says:

        Ohhhh the toiletry bag!! My monster man has one of these too. It was how I knew if he was coming home that night or some other night. The Narcs tool kit is what I call it. I swear if I ever decide to date again and some man shows up with a toiletry bag .. .ummmm!

  26. Laviana says:

    your comments make me very sad, sad 4 u n 4 myself…
    I used to be a very beautiful, strong, smart girl,,, I used to work in a company as HR executive, n he was there,, handsome, tall, smart, masculine, n I didn’t like at first! my first impression for him was rejection,, he was so arrogant, n I used to hate arrogant people
    he was careless, reckless, crazy in driving, problem maker! n he was known that he had a lot of relationships,, he used to move from onw woman to another.. n I hated all of these traits in him,,,he started to run after me after I rejected him, he insisted, n inssisted, n took advantage of my bad circumstances then, n my need for true friends, my broken heart after my father death,, the problems in that company, n I was a stranger in some country without friends or relatives,,, he was a salesman, n new what I needed n gave it to me,,,
    n he was so hot,, with his sugar coated words, good looks, and strong arms, n I surrendered, it was my deadly mistake that led me to 7 n half years of on and Off relationship,,, that made me very sad deppressed, he picked every fight, he called me names, he didn’t like my body he said I was fat! I was 65 kg n 170cm,,I was the same weight when we first met n told me that he adored me n adored my body!! he blamed me for fighting back or defending my self,I didn’t accept the humilation, he never wanted me to speak or talk, n every time we broke up,,was my fault,he kept me feeling the guilt, and with time passing by I was convinced that I was guilty n it was my fault, n he got me hooked back, I was addicted to him, I suffered during Ncs, I had conflicts between my love n dignity n self esteem,, n I always went back to him,,making up, giving him presents!,,once I was so strong, I left him 4 good, n started to date a gain,,then he came back calling me,, n talking about marriage!when I accepted he left again……
    the lase six months he came back,,we had wonderful time (the honey moon!!))with fights ofcource n I managed to keep my mouth shut without fighting back…
    then he decided to marry me,,we agreed to specif date,, n he came to meet my mom (who hated him cuz she used to see me crying because of him))…
    he came to propose, BUT,,, he said it was just an ordinary visit, n when he manage his work n stuff he’ll come back again…
    in brief he was planning to take all my saving as adownpayment for our home!,, he refused to make a wedding party,,,, n all the time he said that he was pushing himself to save money for our life together,, ordered me to be patiant,, he’s 36,he’s been working since he was 20,,,n he has nothing he says

    anyway, once he called me to complain as usuall from jis boss n people who don’t appreciate him,,I was tired then n didn’t want to hear his whining, I said to him please change the subject,, he spent the next 2 days shoting n angry with me,,he said how dare u raise ur voice while I’m talking 2 u!!!
    we had another incident like this,,which I didn’t have any intent to degrade him,,I love him so much,,but he sent me a break up message,,I fought back n said Ok go<<<after one month I regretted n told him I'm sorry,,he told me u brock my dreams n ruined everything,u didn't deserve me u lost me forever!!!,I stayed 3 months trying to win him back,,,before one week he got engaged to another girl!!!!!
    I've been sad, feeling guilty that I ruined my life n love n lost him!
    BUT when I've found this site, I "m shocked, I've read all the posts, n the traits of Narcissist people,,n I know n I'm sure he is one<<I used to think him Bipolar cuz he's so good nn nice for sometime,,n he's mean n evil the other time!sometimes he's humble, the other he's egoist,,,NOW I'm Sure he's sick n Narcissist, n I'm very grateful he will torture somebody else,, I'm better now,, my life is taken some shape!,,I go to the gym lost 5 kilos, got stronger,,back to date again with no regrets,,thanks for every body 4 sharing your experiences, n thanks for the website owner<<<May God bless you

    • C says:

      Good for you!! It’s crazy because I’m dealing with a Sociopath, Narcissus,boarder line psychopath, Ant-Social personality disorder and parasitic lifestyle person. I’m glade that I’m not the only one that is dealing with such a monster. Makes you feel really stupid because you know better. That’s what they like to do. They will destroy you until your nothing but a piece of s**t. I’m getting the help I need to get away from this person. Now, that my eyes are open, he’s full of s**t and himself, the sex is not great anymore ( he really sucks) If it wasn’t for his ways, we wouldn’t have made as far as we did, His ways makes him an ugly person, I could go on. I know now, that he can’t manipulate me the way he use to and I think he senses it so now he’s trying his best to find other ways to manipulate me. Stay strong and true yourself. I’m trying to get there.

  27. Anon says:

    It has been over 2 years for me and feels like a lifetime. I am a shell of the person I was and lost my way. Your article makes so much sense but I am so depressed that I don’t have the strength to leave. I’m failing at life. I’m on the verge of giving up on everything

    • Dee says:

      DON’T GIVE UP. Find a support network. Find somewhere to go, anywhere. Even if its a refuge. DO IT. Get professional advise from your doctor about what you can do. You are not alone and you CAN havr your life back. Also, read ‘The Power Of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle – this book was a turning point in my shift of attitude that I am choosing to allow my emotional mind get the better of me. This book has helped so much to help me realise I cannot help my N partner. If its damaging you, then you MUST leave because its YOUR LIFE. xxxx GOOD LUCK!! x*x

  28. Janette says:

    Ive been married to a Narcissist for 2 years now and together 2 before that. I am SOOO exhausted everyday its something he is constantly angry we were actually at the store yesterday and I misread a sign, he made such a scene and called me retarded and that I don’t use my brain at all. We have a 7 mo. old beautiful baby girl, who he says the most ridiculous things to, he tells her when she’s crying that he’ll punch her, calls her an a*****e, and that she’s the worst baby he’s ever been around. I left last night in the heat of the moment, I just started walking with the baby. I ended up calling a domestic violence shelter in our area and the wonderful woman came and picked me up. They put me in a very nice room and got me items I needed for the baby. I am very grateful however now I don’t know where to go from here. I am afraid to go home, I am afraid of his wrath, but I cannot stay at this shelter and have no money I do work but just part time. This man is a master con artist I feel like such a fool for not seeing this before I married him. He lies all the time, twists my words and actions, makes it look like everything is my fault and that Im crazy! He’s done a good job of convincing me too!! He has separated me from all friends and family to the point I have no one to help me. Honestly if it wasn’t for my daughter I don’t know if Id have the courage to continue. Ive never been at such a low point in my life! I don’t feel worthy to be my daughters mother! If anyone has any suggestions on how to leave with no money no help and nowhere to go with a baby please pass it along I’m literally at the end of my rope

    • Sue says:

      Run to save your soul before he rips it completely apart. I wanted to leave my N for the past 15 years! They turn you into a shell of a person so you feel you cannot live without them. Save yourself and your daughter! You deserve to be the happy person you used to be before he got his claws into you. He will suck the life out of you…your daughter needs you..the happy you!
      Good luck! I truly hope you found or will find the strength to leave so you can be free and give you and your daughter the happy life you both deserve…mine has turned my kids against me. I guess I just stayed for too many years and now I’m afraid if I leave him I will lose them as well, even though I’ve already lost their respect because he made sure of that.

    • mesquite says:

      The domestic shelter will have resources and contacts to put you back on your feet. You are not alone. Take advantage of everything they offer.

  29. Finally Free says:

    Just having the final words of soothing ego stroking and complete self-blame with my now EX-narc of 18 months and for the first time feel completely fine!! I can’t wait to finally be done with all his blaming, controlling, mysogynistic, cruel, lying made-up BS and the torrent of verbal and physical abuse!! RUN PEOPLE, RUN!! There is no other way!! Stop trying to speak to them like reasonable adults – they aren’t. Let go of hanging on to their supposed charms – which anyone reading this will know is always quickly ripped away once you have given them a boost of narcissistic supply. Tell them whatever makes them happy and leaves you in peace and just RUN! THEY are simply not worth it, not the other way round like they would have you believe!! I can do it, you can too!!

  30. Susan says:

    I have been married one year and eight months to the one of the most manipulative’ conceited immature’ unforgiving and know it all narciss you could have ever met.when I met him he treated me like an angel’ within weeks he was proposing’ like within eiight weeks. I felt over the moon with love for him and from him

    Anyway I told him we did not need to rush and moreover he died not meet my family as yet, so we spoke for a year before we wed. He was 55 yes old.He is a prophessing cChristian and so he charmed me endlessly and I really really fell for him and I honestly believed he had fallen for me too’ his feelings was however short lived.

    He has six grown kids with six different women and my mother warned me about him that something must be wrong with him why he never selected anyone of those woman to marry. But when I asked him y he told me he was a player/womanizer before he became a christian and I believed his every word.

    I got my first glimpse of him 8 weeks before we got married’ the day after we went to look and select our wedding rings, he had paid down on the rings and I was feeling happy and giddy. I was 40 at that time and I felt like a princess

    That day I was using his computer a very very old computer and something went wrong and the mouse stopped working. Mind u I work with and use computers everyday at work and so I know about them and I am comfortable using them plus I would assist at times doing up invoices and bills for his work. He had three buses on the road so he operates his own business.

    Can u believe that the day after we went to self to select our rings’ this man got verbally abusive to and tells me that is come me want to come into his life to mash up his business and to destroy. I was shocked and hurt at his behaviour and accusations that I went home in tears that day. The following I asked and receive a replacement mouse for him and he did not apllogise.

    My second encounter came about 3 weeks later, I decided that since we are going to get married we need talk about our finances so was saying when we bet everything between us we will have to share our bank accounts etc. Big big mistake he got really upset telling me that I am a gold digger and I am only talking to him because of what I could get, suffice to say that I could not reason with him and I went home in tears oncce again.

    By this time. I was having doubts as whether we were going to have a wedding. He then surprised me few days after telling that he went and pay for the rings. I was confused, one night we were together and he asked me officially and I accepted but believe I never wore the ring for days terrified that he would change his mind after observing his personality.

    We went on our honey moon 3 wks later because he had to work. Would u believe that because asked him to put away his phone and let us concentrate on us and the beautiful resort that that was the end of the honey for us

    We checked into our room and he started accusing me how I embarrassed him and that he no longer wanted to leave the room. No matter how I pleaded, begged, cried and ask for his forgiveness he never gave in. He sulked and maliced the entire day into the night and we never left that room.

    The incidents after got much worse’ the name callings, the malicious lies, he doesn’t go around my family’ the constant quarrels for little things worse if he says something that I would question..

    Several times he accused of having other men because I complain or refuse to have him insert more than two fingers inside my v****a at any one time. One night because of that he called me a w***e and stormed out to sleep in the spare bedroom. I ignored him because I knew I did nothing wrong.

    Four or five nights after Queen he realised I was ignoring, he stormed into our bedroom while I was in deep sleep and started shouting … I want u watsit not out of me bed because I cannot be sleeeping in a backroom while u enjoying AC.

    By this time I am wondering what I did this time for this hostility and my defense was up ready for the battle as I had been through several battles before. So I told him I am not leaving the bedroom because he was the one who chose to sleep in the othrr room.

    He came in the room and began to lift up the mattress in the air and turned off the AC. I stood my ground and wrestled back and forth for it. When he saw I was adamant he left the room as soon as he left I would lock the rooom door, he went and searched for the key and kept on reenterring the room turring on the ligyts , unpluugging the fan an AC and this went on for about an half hour or more, I was exhausted.

    Could u believe that he came to bed that night and slept with his back to me for the niigt. I. Could not sleep in peace and live in fear not knowing when he will explode.

    It has been two weeks now since my husband has maliced me, he has taken off his wedding ring’, sent one of his baby mother’s picture too my phone on watts app, I guess to make me realise what a catch I have. I now realise just how low he can get and I have decided to stay away from him. I am now sleepin a spear bedroom with the door and I have decided to leave this place. I love him and I feel sorry for him to that he has such deep routed issues inside. This is not even half of what I can release. But I realise he won’t change, eeverything is a put on and show for him and he never nearer apologises or takes responsibility for anything. I am now deprrsed and withdrawn

  31. Not Crazy says:

    2 years later, numerous attorneys and money, child trying to commit suicide, a stay in jail on erroneous charges, child stuck in the mire with the narcissist. No one, legal etc to help, but I haven’t given up.

  32. Affected person says:

    i’ve realized that i’ve been married to narcisst after 2 months of our marriage life.. Initially i thot its a misunderstanding but then found he is abnormal. My parents planning to seperate from him.. but his family still insist to stay and abusing my family & supporting all his actions…..

    When i read this article found i felt all his characteristics, behaviors & attitude were exactly resembling .. I’m just praying i should be out of his sight asap..

  33. Josh says:

    Can Narcs meditate?
    My Narc’s head is always spinning and thus has said they can’t meditate due to their own mind been so dark.
    What a loving thought 🙂

  34. Sue says:

    Seeing so many of you living such a similar life as mine really pains me. I’m sorry that you have also been sucked into the web. We all fell in love with the nice N. They know how to charm you and make you feel like the most amazing person in the world. But it doesn’t take long before they slowly try to take away your happiness, confidence and your good soul. I’ve been with mine for 20 yrs and at first i was swept off of my feet. He was so good to me and my 2 kids. He started to convince me that I needed him and could not possibly survive without him (even though at the time we met I was a single mom working ft and had my own place). After 2 yrs I was head over heals and moved into his place. That’s when it all really started. The put downs then the mental and some physical abuse. They make you feel wonderful one day then the next you are a $&#%ing piece of s**t. It is a rollercoaster that does stop with great sex but then begins again and the cycle just repeats. The years just fly by and you swear each year you are leaving. When you finally get the strength they convince you they love you (fake tears and all) and that you’ll never make it without them…so once again you stay.
    You will be blamed for everything and anything that goes wrong being called horrible names that do eventually make you feel you deserve to be called. Another N trait is that they are NEVER wrong…nothing is ever their fault. So you can wait till hell freezes over for an apology. They are just incapable of empathy.
    My tip is END ALL CONTACT if you leave them. When I finally left to move to a new state years ago my biggest regret was meeting up with him. He contacted me through a family member to let me know he just wanted to say goodbye. So I made that BIG mistake and met up with him and he cried letting me know I deserved so much better than him…that was the biggest web he wove and it worked! He got me back and Ive been back for 15 years now.

    • Bonnie says:

      @Sue Yours is one of the saddest stories I’ve read on this website. To be rid of him and then to be swept back into it just boggles my mind. Why, why, why did you allow him back when you were free of him? I don’t understand! My daughter has been with her NPD for 7 years. She was 23 and he was 42, now she is 30. We were all caught up in his craziness (trying to please him), everyone who loves her. Two weeks ago she went to a child’s birthday pool party at a hotel. Rather than stay at one of the rooms until morning she drove her 4 year old and got pulled over. It’s bad. DUI reckless endangerment etc…the judge gave her a no contact order and her son who has never spent one night away from her is on his 3rd week without mom, the NPD has temp custody and everyone except our son, (32) has been put out of the inner circle. The 4 year old boy is frantic and inconsolable, and the next court date is another 3 weeks away. The 4 year old is acting out at day care because he has seen his NPD dad beat, whip and strangle his mom. Our daughter says she will never go back to that miserable life (and man) but after reading so many posts…I’m scared for her. The NPD (unbelievably) admitted to our son that he has been violent towards her (BUT) only when she’s drunk and only a disabling hold (i forget what he called it) to keep her from being violent towards him. He has been using S******s for a year has become way more violent in that year. Our grandson is being held as power over us, until the no contact order is lifted. He broke the no contact order because he can’t handle his grief over his mom…*at least he knows his mom is alive after hearing her voice over the phone…but our son was able to talk to him last night…because the NPD thinks he still believes in the hero. The hero asked our son to talk to his sister about them getting help. Our daughter is going to AA meetings and getting counseling for the abuse, but the hero wants to “help.” I struggle with hatred even though I know he is one sick a** ***e

    • DeVanne says:

      Wow, holy crap, this is crazy. I really though I was the only one with this situation. I have been stunned by so so many of us living this way for so long! 10,20,35,38,15,12 years for me. I have 3 beautiful children and reading what a N does to his kids emotionally in the future has me so scared….. Vile, disgusting, malicious things they can say…in front of their own kids no less! Like you said great sex, but soon it was just something I did to make him calm down and just chill…it would be horrible…yea it felt great, but leading up to it was sometimes just a damn drag..id think about other things and prey he would be quick (never the case) He lives with me now, and i am planning him getting the f*ck out. I cannot believe all of us have been in so long….it is prison time….I have got to get out…my beautiful son and daughters think this sh*t is going to be normal…..God give us strength to hold it together!

  35. Jak says:

    To all who are in this terrible situation ,once you come to terms with what has been going on you will be in shock and dismay at another person’s deliberate calculated actions to have you withdraw and succumb to all there demands needs and terrorising behaviour. Appeasing them only seems to make it worse as there behaviour becomes ever more out of control. Nearly three years it has taken me and the beauty of this situation is that I made all the excuses for him , he just continued and I resolved. Thank Christ I didn’t have him move in , I did listen to that part of my brain so now I’ve got to deal with the loss and the sadness accepting all the things that have happened which I allowed , moving on as fast as possible .Once you understand you can’t help they won’t change because everything is somebody else’s fault. Give yourself permission to say “NO” good luck stay motivated x

  36. James says:

    its about time to use language that incorporates both genders. I am a man that has been living with a woman who is a pathological narcisist Cluster B personality, histronis, etc, etc. I have been called a gigilo, an alcoholic, a scum bag, stupid…the list goes on and on and on. I know Im not any of those things and am a better healthier person than she. I understand she herself was abused through out her life. She thinks I am, as well. I know differently – she is mentally ill. At this moment she is black mailing me so that I stay around. to avoid the threahts I perceive to be real, I stay. i have sincerely tried to love and support this woman, at every level. She only views my efforts as a way to attack and degrade me – at every opportunity. I am in financial ruin because she believes she is entitled to my property that I brought into our shared home. WE ARE NOT MARRIED. As a woman, the police believe her. When nI try to move out she speaks with them alone portraying the victim. They believe her – what an act! So, after five years, I’m finally emotional detached. In other words, I’m f****d. My six figure income has know reached a level of low five figures. Understand, its my fault for engaging and beliveing that I?we could work this out. I failed. In short, start using words that are not female or male, that applie4s to each of us and you woman have no clue about the men in this world who are destroyed as well.

  37. James says:

    its about time to use language that incorporates both genders. I am a man that has been living with a woman who is a pathological narcisist Cluster B personality, histronis, etc, etc. I have been called a gigilo, an alcoholic, a scum bag, stupid…the list goes on and on and on. I know Im not any of those things and am a better healthier person than she after I leave. I understand she herself was abused through out her life. But her children don’t live with her and after two other marriages. Now – She thinks I am the enemy… I know differently – she is mentally ill. At this moment she is black mailing me so that I stay around. To avoid the threats, I perceive to be real, I stay. I have sincerely tried to love and support this woman, at every level. (PARENTS, CHILDREN, EX HUSBAND…She only views my efforts as a way to attack and degrade me – at every opportunity, when she feels derided in any way. Perceived or otherwise…I am in financial ruin because she believes she is entitled to my property that I brought into our shared home. WE ARE NOT MARRIED. As a woman, the police believe her. They do not support my efforts to regain my property. ie getting a winter coat is met with manipulative means by her (so i cant be warm, a declaration it is not mine). When I try to move out she speaks with the Police alone portraying herself as the victim. They believe her – what an act! So, after five years, I’m finally emotional detached. In other words, I’m f****d after investing a large part of my life, emotionally. My six figure income has now reached a level of low five figures. Understand, its my fault for engaging and believing that I/we could work this out. I failed. In short, start using words that are not gender (female or male), that applies to each of us. You woman have no clue about the men in this world who are destroyed as well. I am sick and tired of hearing from all you people that believe that narcissists are only men. I am a beat down human being by a Narcissist – I am a demasculinated MAN! F**K ALL OF YOU.

  38. Laura says:

    I’m living with a narcissistic man for 15 years now. Ive been physically and mentally abused. Always . Im always wrong no matter how hard i try to be the best girlfriend (not married) i can be, but its never good enough. The wrost part is my three kids see it all. And are scared of thier dad. Just last night he beat me pretty bad all over my body my head, not my face though he kniws what hes doing. Im the one who works so he knows not to mark my face up. I want him gone so bad ,yet somehow i feel guilty for all this. For not being a good woman like ge deserves.

  39. K says:

    Has it ever been so bad that your only way out was either to run or just get rid of yourself? The crazy making is so hard to live with, it is destroying me.

  40. Linda bosslet says:

    I am day 10 in ending a 16 month relationship. I see so many similarities but one thing mine would do is give me money, pay when we went out, clean the house, etc. Sometimes I actually thought he cared? Was this just another facade? He left his wife for me said I was what had been missing from his life, moved 800 miles, was 6 months out of major surgery, addicted to prescription drugs, I straightened him out, got him the first job in 20 years, he’s 59, helped him get divorced and on n on. Sex was terrible, he has 8 kids n counting only 2 barely tt him, 3 marriages, wife 3 wants him back! I lost my friends, family, he never gave me compliments, rarely
    Touched me but would text me everyday that he missed me? If we were around his family I was totally ignored, his ego is bigger than our current presidents
    His traits. Huge ego,puts others down, no friends,
    Lies lies lies, plays mind games, what is he?

  41. Sara Afonso says:

    Hello everyone! This article and comments have helped me see how serious my situation is!! My friends tell me that a certain maternât instinct and lack of self Love are pulling me back, keeping me from taking care of myself in spite of this abusive disrespectfull Guy… I considered all of that and see how u must change… This is getting worse!! Anyways What i wanted to ask you is : Given that narcissisme is a result of abuse and pain, how Will the ‘no contact’ (etc) rule affect the narcissist? Also i understand how making him feel guiltless about my leaving and putting all the blame on myself might be a safe way to leave and avoid revenge, but i think one of the reasons why this people are like this is the fact that nobody ever dares to tell them how bad they are… Isnt self-awareness essential for a narcissist to heal? I’ll be an accomplice to the s**t he’ll put the next victime through if i leave without making it very clear that he as a reeeeeeaaal problem! What do you think? Blessings to all of you 😘

  42. carl b singer says:

    even nice guys fall victim to this mental condition. I was with my now soon to be ex for over 5 years. never had a fight, or even raised our voices towards each other. then 6 months after we get married she wants a divorce. no fight no nothing. a totally diffeernt person than who i fell in love with. sorry ladies but when you wonder where all the good guys are who would never hit you, cheat etc. , we have been hurt by one of these women and have had our heart and soul crushed. now we are done because we don’t want to be hurt again. we still are alive and exist but no matter how wonderful you may / might be, we aren’t interested anymore

  43. Sharon says:

    It’s hard scray life as I used to be independent woman . He lied with so much to marry me. But then one minute he is next he explodes without any reason. Every day I had been living in fear , so much abuse , torture I have dealt with as very hard to live a normal life.i don’t know how I am going to forget all this move on with my life as I separated from him but he blames me for his finances as god knows where his money goes as asked me to get a place so that he can live with me . The way I had been watching his behaviour hasn’t changed as he too self centred doesn’t care for my feelings or my pain. As he every time when I visit him he expects me to take food and asks me to get pain killer for his tooth ache . Doesn’t appreciate me at all. When ever he feels like now screams at me and tells me it’s his house. When all my stuff he took using it . I made the mistake of asking him if he will give my things .he said yes but now I don’t want to do anything with him as I am more scared nod since I don’t want to live with him. As he had hurt abused me enough .He even after separating next week slept with other woman as said that’s not cheating . I don’t why I let him manipulate so much to give him another chance . When he got no respect for me. Only wants me to give give ,money for him to do what he likes . Sorry please keep me in your prayers for god to show me right direction.i am just totally broken

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